let's do this!

"hi."  (she said sheepishly after not posting on her blog for over 2 years...)  :-)

when i started this blog over 3 years ago, it was intended to follow the journey of my infertility and our struggle to get pregnant.  little did i know that, after waiting and trying for a year and a half (which seemed impossibly long at the time), our daughter would be conceived the very week that i went public with my story.  maybe a coincidence?  or, more likely, God's unique plan and timing.  pretty amazing, honestly.

and now, here i am, starting a new (far less harrowing) journey and feeling the need to "go public" in order to hold myself accountable, perhaps find some support, and maybe even encourage a few people along the way.

folks, i'm going on a diet.  after living in denial for much too long, it's time to make some changes.  my post-30, post-baby metabolism has slowed waaaay down.  my energy level has never been lower.  i can't remember the last time i wasn't at least a little bit tired.  i exercise 5 days a week, but i'm not seeing any results.  my family history contains diabetes, heart disease, cancer, obesity, and just about everything else.  so all things considered, it's high time to take a serious look at what i'm eating.  for instance, i hear vegetables are important.  ;-)

here is what i'm NOT doing:

• no extreme fads.  i'm not cutting out all gluten or sugar or dairy.  no paleo.  i'm not drinking my lunch or buying expensive supplements.  i'm not going vegetarian or all whole foods obsessed.  i know i won't stick with that.
• no unrealistic goals.  i'm not saying i'll never eat pizza or pasta again, because come on.  have you met me?  i love food, and i'm not ashamed of it!  but i need to learn how to control it and how to eat intentionally and wisely.

so what's the plan?  

• lean proteins.  
• LOTS more veggies. (which i don't enjoy AT ALL, but i gotta try.)  
• fruit.  
• snack smartly.
• fewer carbs and sweets during the week.  
• give myself some splurges on the weekends.
• continue working out 5 days per week, as i have been.
• be active with the family on weekends, when possible.
• make it possible!
• blog about it to hold yourself accountable.

so here we go.  it's day 1.  let's roll...

thumbs up for taking the first step!

losing it

i have struggled with self-image for a very long time.  specifically in regards to my weight.  i went on my first "diet" when i was in fourth grade.  fourth grade!  i wasn't an overweight child, but even at the tender young age of 10, i was painfully aware of the size of my thighs.  behind the closed door of my bedroom, i would pull up my desk chair to our full-length mirror and examine how my legs looked from the front and sides when i was sitting down.  when i was 13, i tried to jerry-rig a "girdle" (a piece of cardboard and some yarn -- ha!) under my easter dress because i thought my tummy was too big.  in college, i even tried to induce vomiting after meals in a desperate attempt to lose weight, but it never worked.  (and thank God for that!)  apparently, i don't have a gag reflex.

so, why am i bringing this up?  well... i'm struggling.  granted, it's only been 15 weeks since isla's birth, and i wasn't expecting to lose the weight that quickly.  but.  i have found, especially since starting back at work, that the post-baby weight loss journey is no joke.  and while i don't want to make excuses, i do find it helpful to identify my hurdles:

1. i am breastfeeding isla.  ergo, i am hungry. all. the. time.  i'm working on self-control with that, but i can't cut back too many calories or my milk supply will decrease.  in my research of this dilemma, i've read that in order to lose weight, it's best for breastfeeding mothers to focus on exercise rather than cutting back calories.  so that leads me to my next problem...
2. i can't seem to find any time to exercise.  this is particularly frustrating for me.  when i get home from work, my evenings generally roll out like this: feed isla, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up, work through isla's bedtime routine, feed her one last time, put her down for the night, finish chores, catch my breath, go to bed.  so unless i get up even earlier in the morning (and i'm already getting up at 5am), i can't see any windows of opportunity for a good, solid workout.

i've tried to come to terms with this, telling myself that it's just for a season -- i can go a few months without exercise, right?  wrong.  (i think.)  while it's true that this part of my life IS only for a season, i just can't bear to stop exercising all together.  i mean, my family's medical history is like a who's who of health problems.  we've had cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, parkinson's, and more.  i have a strong desire to take good care of my body, but i'm just not sure how to accomplish this as a full-time working and breastfeeding mother.

so how do i do this?

seriously, how?  that was not a rhetorical question.  i welcome suggestions!  :-)

even as i struggle with feeling unattractive and "blah," i am increasingly aware that if being a little chubby is my worst problem at the moment, then really, life isn't too bad.  :-)  God has blessed me with a loving and hard-working husband, a healthy and spirited daughter, a supportive and godly family, a cozy home, a job that i enjoy, and so much more.  here's to never losing sight of that...!