I Survived Week 1!

well, it's day 5.  i survived a whole work week without any major setbacks.  let's toast to that!

cheers! a morning toast is infinitely more awesome with green tea in a Star Trek mug...

so, something i forgot to mention in my last post is that in addition to striving for more healthier foods, i'm also tracking my calories with MyFitnessPal.  (i use the app on my iPad.)  i aim for a daily net caloric intake of 1200, which is fairly reasonable, especially when i exercise.  (because then i get to eat more.  woohoo!  and that's really the point of exercising, right??)  ;-)  kidding, kidding.

my first week's effort at meals was valiant, i believe.  not perfect, but a good start.  dinners for the week included:

• Monday: chicken quinoa lettuce wraps with peanut dipping sauce
• Tuesday: pan-seared tilapia with broccoli and quinoa
• Wednesday: crunchy turkey tacos, piled high with veggies
• Thursday: fresh bruschetta (maybe not the best choice for dinner, but it was girls night with a dear friend) :-)
• Friday: black bean burgers with fresh salsa

my favorite meal of the week was the chicken quinoa lettuce wraps.  you gotta try this immediately!  even my husband enjoyed this meal, and folks, that's huge.  you can find the recipe here at Natasha's Kitchen. (for the record, i'm not a photographer by any stretch of the imagination.  my food photos will not be beautiful.  but we can still be friends, right?)

still on the hunt for some delicious, healthy recipes.  please send some my way if you come across anything amazing!

Beth's Win for the Week: we had a pizza party at work to say good-bye to an employee who was serving as an interim pastor.  i ate a piece.  BUT ONLY ONE!  with a heaping side of raw veggies.  some might consider it a fail that i indulged in a piece of pizza, but for me, this is a major win.

and now, the moment of truth.... the WEEKLY WEIGH-IN.  i have lost 1.8 pounds!  now, i realize that if this were The Biggest Loser, i likely would have been kicked off the ranch for pulling such a low number.  BUT, this is real life.  and for a regular person trying to lose weight while living a normal life, i feel pretty great about this.  woohoo!  bring on week 2!

let's do this!

"hi."  (she said sheepishly after not posting on her blog for over 2 years...)  :-)

when i started this blog over 3 years ago, it was intended to follow the journey of my infertility and our struggle to get pregnant.  little did i know that, after waiting and trying for a year and a half (which seemed impossibly long at the time), our daughter would be conceived the very week that i went public with my story.  maybe a coincidence?  or, more likely, God's unique plan and timing.  pretty amazing, honestly.

and now, here i am, starting a new (far less harrowing) journey and feeling the need to "go public" in order to hold myself accountable, perhaps find some support, and maybe even encourage a few people along the way.

folks, i'm going on a diet.  after living in denial for much too long, it's time to make some changes.  my post-30, post-baby metabolism has slowed waaaay down.  my energy level has never been lower.  i can't remember the last time i wasn't at least a little bit tired.  i exercise 5 days a week, but i'm not seeing any results.  my family history contains diabetes, heart disease, cancer, obesity, and just about everything else.  so all things considered, it's high time to take a serious look at what i'm eating.  for instance, i hear vegetables are important.  ;-)

here is what i'm NOT doing:

• no extreme fads.  i'm not cutting out all gluten or sugar or dairy.  no paleo.  i'm not drinking my lunch or buying expensive supplements.  i'm not going vegetarian or all whole foods obsessed.  i know i won't stick with that.
• no unrealistic goals.  i'm not saying i'll never eat pizza or pasta again, because come on.  have you met me?  i love food, and i'm not ashamed of it!  but i need to learn how to control it and how to eat intentionally and wisely.

so what's the plan?  

• lean proteins.  
• LOTS more veggies. (which i don't enjoy AT ALL, but i gotta try.)  
• fruit.  
• snack smartly.
• fewer carbs and sweets during the week.  
• give myself some splurges on the weekends.
• continue working out 5 days per week, as i have been.
• be active with the family on weekends, when possible.
• make it possible!
• blog about it to hold yourself accountable.

so here we go.  it's day 1.  let's roll...

thumbs up for taking the first step!

dedication

this past weekend was a special one for our family.  on saturday, steve and i celebrated five years of marriage. and on sunday, isla was dedicated at church.  it was a neat juxtaposition of events -- recalling the vows steve and i took five years ago, in front of a crowd of witnesses, as we pledged our lives to each other.  and then, standing in front of church again, this time with our daughter, asking for God's blessing on her life and pledging to raise her in a way that is honoring to Him.

our wedding vows focused on love and commitment and respect -- for each other and also for God, through whom we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28).

isla's dedication focused on grace -- her middle name, which we chose very intentionally.  our pastor, knowing the story behind her name, prayed this verse for her:

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work (2 Corinthians 9:8).

i will continue to pray that verse for isla -- that grace would abound in her life, that she would fall in love with her Savior and accept God's gift of grace, and that she would show grace to those who cross her path.  i also pray that grace will abound in our marriage -- that we would learn more and more what it means to love and forgive and trust and hope and respect, that we would be each other's biggest fans, and that we would always choose to support and encourage and honor.

so thankful today for God's many gifts -- especially my husband, my daughter, and His Grace.

losing it

i have struggled with self-image for a very long time.  specifically in regards to my weight.  i went on my first "diet" when i was in fourth grade.  fourth grade!  i wasn't an overweight child, but even at the tender young age of 10, i was painfully aware of the size of my thighs.  behind the closed door of my bedroom, i would pull up my desk chair to our full-length mirror and examine how my legs looked from the front and sides when i was sitting down.  when i was 13, i tried to jerry-rig a "girdle" (a piece of cardboard and some yarn -- ha!) under my easter dress because i thought my tummy was too big.  in college, i even tried to induce vomiting after meals in a desperate attempt to lose weight, but it never worked.  (and thank God for that!)  apparently, i don't have a gag reflex.

so, why am i bringing this up?  well... i'm struggling.  granted, it's only been 15 weeks since isla's birth, and i wasn't expecting to lose the weight that quickly.  but.  i have found, especially since starting back at work, that the post-baby weight loss journey is no joke.  and while i don't want to make excuses, i do find it helpful to identify my hurdles:

1. i am breastfeeding isla.  ergo, i am hungry. all. the. time.  i'm working on self-control with that, but i can't cut back too many calories or my milk supply will decrease.  in my research of this dilemma, i've read that in order to lose weight, it's best for breastfeeding mothers to focus on exercise rather than cutting back calories.  so that leads me to my next problem...
2. i can't seem to find any time to exercise.  this is particularly frustrating for me.  when i get home from work, my evenings generally roll out like this: feed isla, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up, work through isla's bedtime routine, feed her one last time, put her down for the night, finish chores, catch my breath, go to bed.  so unless i get up even earlier in the morning (and i'm already getting up at 5am), i can't see any windows of opportunity for a good, solid workout.

i've tried to come to terms with this, telling myself that it's just for a season -- i can go a few months without exercise, right?  wrong.  (i think.)  while it's true that this part of my life IS only for a season, i just can't bear to stop exercising all together.  i mean, my family's medical history is like a who's who of health problems.  we've had cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, parkinson's, and more.  i have a strong desire to take good care of my body, but i'm just not sure how to accomplish this as a full-time working and breastfeeding mother.

so how do i do this?

seriously, how?  that was not a rhetorical question.  i welcome suggestions!  :-)

even as i struggle with feeling unattractive and "blah," i am increasingly aware that if being a little chubby is my worst problem at the moment, then really, life isn't too bad.  :-)  God has blessed me with a loving and hard-working husband, a healthy and spirited daughter, a supportive and godly family, a cozy home, a job that i enjoy, and so much more.  here's to never losing sight of that...!

making time

after isla's first day of daycare

i have now been back at work for one week.  and it's been... challenging.  but not in the way i was expecting. i was expecting to feel "mommy guilt," to hate being away from my little girl, to feel all kinds of emotional turmoil.  and while i do certainly miss isla throughout the day and she is never far from my thoughts, i've actually found it enjoyable to be back in a professional environment.  i LOVE being part of team, talking to adults every day, helping and encouraging people, crossing tangible items off my to-do list every single day.  it's very fulfilling for me.

i was also expecting to dread dropping off isla at daycare every morning.  but (with the exception of the first day when she cried and cried), she has transitioned quite nicely!  her teachers have told me how much she enjoys watching the "big kids" play.  (and by "big kids," i mean 6-12 months.)  :-)  she giggles and coos and kicks at little toys hanging over her.  she even naps!  (ground-breaking!)  i love that she will make friends and learn social skills at such an early age.  i have 100% confidence in the daycare center that we chose.  what a HUGE answer to prayer!

the challenging part about being back at work has been time management in my personal life.  in other words, trying to figure out how to accomplish everything that needs done on the home front.  from the time i get up at 5AM until the time isla finally goes to sleep at 9:30PM (give or take an hour), my day is go, go, go!  there is just no down time.  it's silly, perhaps, but i've been stressing about:

• having time to cook well-balanced meals
• having time to clean
• spending enough time with isla
• spending enough time with steve
• finding time to exercise
• finding time to read
• finding time to pray and read my Bible

there is just never enough time!

but isn't that always the case?  no matter what stage of life we are in, there is always something eating up our time.  so we evaluate, prioritize, assess, adjust... and eventually, something works out.  a new rhythm is created.  a few months ago, our pastor spoke about finding margin in our lives.  i'm not sure if this is possible for a new, working mom.  but i'm going to try anyway.  :-)  i'm looking for practical ways to simplify...  ways to enjoy life instead of always looking to the next thing on the list and feeling overextended...  ways to establish a schedule that works for our family but also to feel joy and freedom within the structure.  here are a few ideas i've come up with:

• make a meal menu on the weekends.  prepare as many meals as possible in advance.  also keep a stock of freezer meals.
• pick out my outfit and isla's outfit the night before.  (i can't even tell you how much time i waste on this in the mornings...  it's embarrassing.)
• turn some of my exercising into play time with isla (i found some fun mama/baby exercises here and here.  isla loves it!)
• turn the tv off.  especially during dinner time.
• sing and pray in the shower.
• as much as possible, don't just put things down -- put them away.  (this was a little tip i read in my real simple magazine.  i love it!)

so.  what else do you have for me?  what tricks have you discovered to balance life?  to create more time?  to help your busy day go a little smoother?

snuggling with isla yesterday morning after she caught her first cold at daycare :-)

if i could save time in a bottle...

this week, it's really been hitting me how soon i have to go back to work.  and how quickly these precious days with my little sweet pea are going to come to an end.  it's crushing me!  i'm confident that it will all work out okay and that i'll even enjoy being back at work once we get into a comfortable rhythm... but getting there may be a challenge.

i'm happy to feel so torn, though.  during the first month of isla's life, i think i would have given anything to be back at work and feel "normal" again.  but we've both grown so much since then... fallen so much more in love with each other...  we've created a "new normal."  so somehow, my broken heart makes me feel like i'm doing something right.

in lieu of the end of maternity leave approaching so quickly, we've been doing an awful lot of this...

snuggling, snuggling, snuggling...

(the dishes can wait.  she will only fit so perfectly under my chin for a little while...)

doing everything in my power to bring out that gurgling grin...

(singing "i believe in a thing called love," dancing like a goofball around the living room, making motorboat sounds.  only for you, girly!)

staring into those big, curious eyes....

(never stop learning, baby!  i'm so proud of you already!)

so, so thankful for this little girl.  my heart has never felt so big!

sweet relief

as it turns out, you all weren't lying to me.  it really DOES get better.  :-)  if the first month of isla's life can be described as "just get me through this," the second month could be summarized as "sweet relief."  sweet because, i mean, have you seen that cutie in the above picture??  her little personality melts my heart.  and relief because we're starting to figure things out and we're even getting some sleep, which is aaaaaaamazing.  :-)  i'm finally starting to feel the blessing of motherhood rather than being consumed with frustration and worry and exhaustion.  oh, i'm still tired.  and i have a million concerns about life from day to day, but i'm able to take it in stride.  i wish i could reach through my computer and hug all of you who left words of encouragement.  i can't even explain how much that meant to me!

a few stats:

• 2 feet -- isla's length.  she's in the 99th percentile.  looks like she's going to be tall like her daddy!
• 9 hours -- the length of time she sleeps through the night (typically from 10pm to 7am).  SO wonderful!  now we're working on getting her to sleep a little earlier, which would be nice for when i return to work.
• 3 weeks -- until i return to work.  i'm not dreading going back because i enjoy my job and coworkers. but i'm apprehensive of the transition and figuring out all of the logistics.
• 5:00 AM -- the time i've started getting up in the morning in preparation for my return to work.  hoping to make this feel "normal" so that it's not such a shock to my system on march 20.

enjoy your Leap Day, everyone!  :-)