a look back

i started my first blog in april of 2004.  i probably never would have done this, had it not been for the urging of a tech-savvy friend, who explained to me that blogging was "the next big thing."  (though, at the time, i was trying to figure out A. why would i want to post my personal thoughts online for the whole world to see, and B. who would really care?)  but somehow he convinced me to move forward with the idea and encouraged me to post at least once a week.

so i did.  and i'm glad.  this blog chronicles some rather significant events in my life -- my first job out of college (cashier at a hardware store, of course.  isn't that what all english major do?), my first (and second and third) apartment, my love/hate relationship with becoming an adult, many evolving friendships, my first real honest-to-God relevant-to-my-english-degree career, and then the experience of getting laid off nearly five years later.  throughout all of this, we have a developing love story -- the on-again, off-again (and then permanently on-again!) relationship of steve and me.  it's a good story, and i'm definitely thankful for steve's persistence.  :-)  he is, after all, my match.  my partner in life.  my best friend.  my husband.  (and soon to be, my baby daddy.)  ;-)

anyway, why am i talking about my old blog?  well, i occasionally like to scan through old posts.  it's kind of like looking through a scrapbook.  it's often bittersweet to crawl back into those memories, to "feel" it again through the eyes of my younger self, and to know that i will never experience that piece of life again.

a few days ago, i came across one of my more recent posts, from just over a year ago.  to set the stage, i was unemployed, having been a victim of the recession.  steve and i lived in a dingy, dark apartment.  he had just graduated from college and was hoping for the best from a new job opportunity.  i was feeling hopeless and trapped, no prospects on the horizon, unemployment benefits quickly running out.  here are my words from May 25, 2010:

wow, what happened to the month of May?  it's nearly over, and i haven't posted even once.  the weeks have just been flying by, and yet i don't even know what i've been doing.  i had a "moment" yesterday -- one of those movie-like moments in which the song that is playing on the radio is just so appropriate to your mood and situation that it seems as if some all-knowing DJ picked that tune just to mess with your head.  as i was waiting at the drive-through window at the bank, The Weepies' World Spins Madly On played softly on my stereo.  i was so absorbed in the lyrics -- the whole world is moving and i am standing still -- that i barely heard the teller as she piped over the intercom, "excuse me, ma'am.  ma'am?  what can i do for you?"

this is my life these days.  i'm just here.  being very still.  as (what feels like) the entire world swirls around me in excitement.  promotions and pregnancies, new homes and opportunities, celebrations and vacations.  it's all out there, but i just can't tap into any of it.  and don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining about it.  i don't feel deserving of any of these things or entitled to them.  but in this period of waiting, i fear i've become numb.  i've been unemployed for eight months now.  eight months!  and i'm no closer to finding a job now than i was back at day one.  all of our well-thought-out plans have been put on hold -- they are quickly gathering dust as i sit here and wait.  i feel defeated, but instead of that "rattled" feeling that used to haunt me to my very core, i now don't feel much of anything.  i'm not sure if that is good or bad...

i'm still searching.  following leads and sending out resumes.  and praying that God will continue to provide.  but even my prayers have turned stale.  it's a strange sort of existence...

but despite my hollow prayers and crippled emotions, God is.  He is life and love and hope and peace.  He is unchanging and eternal.  He is my provider and keeper.  He is bigger than my circumstances and my melancholy existence.  He has a plan that far exceeds my own.  truthfully, i don't feel the power or the raw emotion behind those words right now, but i believe them.  and i will continue to hold on, even when that means sitting very still and waiting.

this post makes my heart heavy with the memories of that difficult period.  and yet, in hindsight, it's strangely encouraging.  exactly one month after i wrote that post, i was employed.  God knew all along.  He knew what i needed in a job and was preparing the perfect one for me -- and was preparing me for it!

i think the same is true of our baby.  steve and i waited a while to start trying for a family... and then when we did start trying, it took another year and a half to conceive.  it was frustrating and very painful.  eventually, i grew numb and my prayers turned stale.  but through it all, God was there -- even when i didn't feel Him.  i believe that this baby is the exact baby God had planned for us all along.  no other child would be just right for us.  God wanted to bless us with this precise little person.

i'm just so thankful for God's provisions today.  for His attention to detail.  for His grace.  so grateful that all of the little (and big) things that are freaking me out right now are already taken care of.  it's part of the plan.  part of our story.