goodbye, hello!

goodbye, first trimester!  hello, second trimester!

today, i officially start my second trimester.  i'm really looking forward to it, as i've heard it's the most favorable of the trimesters.  i'm definitely looking forward to having some energy again.  bring on the nesting!! :-)  i have a long list of projects to tackle before baby lougee arrives, so i'm hoping the promises of the second trimester "super energy" and "awesomeness" and "bliss" are true.  i'm really, really ready to retire cranky, sleepy, nauseous, headachy beth.  (i'm sure steve won't mind a break from her either...)  ;-)

without further ado, i'd like to recap my first trimester.  here are some of my First Trimester Favorites:

foods that contain VINEGAR.  cannot get enough!  i've had my fair share of sweet cravings too, but mostly, i'm into salty, vinegary snacks.  salt and vinegar chips, french fries with vinegar, pickles, pickled eggs and red beats, pulled pork with vinegar.  mmmmm!  i'm salivating.

JACK BAUER.  i've been spending a lot of time with him lately.  or, i should say, jack and my treadmill.  i've been working my way through 24 on netflix while i walk on the treadmill in the evenings.  i'm currently on season 6.  definitely gets my heart racing! (the treadmill, of course.  not jack.  ok, well, maybe jack a little....)  ;-)

in the mornings, i do a pregnancy workout DVD.  i've been using LINDSAY BRIN'S FIRST TRIMESTER workout, which includes both a yoga segment and a strength/cardio segment.  it's a pretty good workout, although lindsay is a bit too peppy / cheerleadery for me.  "ok, now let's work those bun cakes!"  really?  bun cakes?  i have a hard time with that kind of perkiness at 5:30 AM.

i love this pregnancy journal called THE BELLY BOOK.  it has a place to record the highlights of each week, details from the doctor appointments, growing belly pictures, memories, current events, etc.  a friend of mine highly recommended that i keep a pregnancy journal, and i'm so glad i took her advice!

STEPHEN LOUGEE.  he is also a favorite.  probably THE favorite.  :-)  he's been such a gem throughout this first trimester of fatigue, mood swings, inability to concentrate, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  he's been my partner in every imaginable way.  i love him, and i so appreciate all his hard work in preparing our home for the baby!

let's wrap up this post with... drumroll please... my first official belly picture!

or should i call it my non-belly picture?  because really, there's just not much to see yet.  my body is definitely changing, though!  hello, expanding hips.  (while i am not super excited about you now, i am quite certain that i will have a greater appreciation for you in december when i'm huffing and puffing my way through labor and delivery.)  :-)

so there you have it!  i'm so excited to see what my second trimester has in store!

a look back

i started my first blog in april of 2004.  i probably never would have done this, had it not been for the urging of a tech-savvy friend, who explained to me that blogging was "the next big thing."  (though, at the time, i was trying to figure out A. why would i want to post my personal thoughts online for the whole world to see, and B. who would really care?)  but somehow he convinced me to move forward with the idea and encouraged me to post at least once a week.

so i did.  and i'm glad.  this blog chronicles some rather significant events in my life -- my first job out of college (cashier at a hardware store, of course.  isn't that what all english major do?), my first (and second and third) apartment, my love/hate relationship with becoming an adult, many evolving friendships, my first real honest-to-God relevant-to-my-english-degree career, and then the experience of getting laid off nearly five years later.  throughout all of this, we have a developing love story -- the on-again, off-again (and then permanently on-again!) relationship of steve and me.  it's a good story, and i'm definitely thankful for steve's persistence.  :-)  he is, after all, my match.  my partner in life.  my best friend.  my husband.  (and soon to be, my baby daddy.)  ;-)

anyway, why am i talking about my old blog?  well, i occasionally like to scan through old posts.  it's kind of like looking through a scrapbook.  it's often bittersweet to crawl back into those memories, to "feel" it again through the eyes of my younger self, and to know that i will never experience that piece of life again.

a few days ago, i came across one of my more recent posts, from just over a year ago.  to set the stage, i was unemployed, having been a victim of the recession.  steve and i lived in a dingy, dark apartment.  he had just graduated from college and was hoping for the best from a new job opportunity.  i was feeling hopeless and trapped, no prospects on the horizon, unemployment benefits quickly running out.  here are my words from May 25, 2010:

wow, what happened to the month of May?  it's nearly over, and i haven't posted even once.  the weeks have just been flying by, and yet i don't even know what i've been doing.  i had a "moment" yesterday -- one of those movie-like moments in which the song that is playing on the radio is just so appropriate to your mood and situation that it seems as if some all-knowing DJ picked that tune just to mess with your head.  as i was waiting at the drive-through window at the bank, The Weepies' World Spins Madly On played softly on my stereo.  i was so absorbed in the lyrics -- the whole world is moving and i am standing still -- that i barely heard the teller as she piped over the intercom, "excuse me, ma'am.  ma'am?  what can i do for you?"

this is my life these days.  i'm just here.  being very still.  as (what feels like) the entire world swirls around me in excitement.  promotions and pregnancies, new homes and opportunities, celebrations and vacations.  it's all out there, but i just can't tap into any of it.  and don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining about it.  i don't feel deserving of any of these things or entitled to them.  but in this period of waiting, i fear i've become numb.  i've been unemployed for eight months now.  eight months!  and i'm no closer to finding a job now than i was back at day one.  all of our well-thought-out plans have been put on hold -- they are quickly gathering dust as i sit here and wait.  i feel defeated, but instead of that "rattled" feeling that used to haunt me to my very core, i now don't feel much of anything.  i'm not sure if that is good or bad...

i'm still searching.  following leads and sending out resumes.  and praying that God will continue to provide.  but even my prayers have turned stale.  it's a strange sort of existence...

but despite my hollow prayers and crippled emotions, God is.  He is life and love and hope and peace.  He is unchanging and eternal.  He is my provider and keeper.  He is bigger than my circumstances and my melancholy existence.  He has a plan that far exceeds my own.  truthfully, i don't feel the power or the raw emotion behind those words right now, but i believe them.  and i will continue to hold on, even when that means sitting very still and waiting.

this post makes my heart heavy with the memories of that difficult period.  and yet, in hindsight, it's strangely encouraging.  exactly one month after i wrote that post, i was employed.  God knew all along.  He knew what i needed in a job and was preparing the perfect one for me -- and was preparing me for it!

i think the same is true of our baby.  steve and i waited a while to start trying for a family... and then when we did start trying, it took another year and a half to conceive.  it was frustrating and very painful.  eventually, i grew numb and my prayers turned stale.  but through it all, God was there -- even when i didn't feel Him.  i believe that this baby is the exact baby God had planned for us all along.  no other child would be just right for us.  God wanted to bless us with this precise little person.

i'm just so thankful for God's provisions today.  for His attention to detail.  for His grace.  so grateful that all of the little (and big) things that are freaking me out right now are already taken care of.  it's part of the plan.  part of our story.

So How Are You Feeling?

"So... how are you feeling?"  I’ve been getting that question a lot lately.  It’s pretty sweet to feel so cared about.  :-)  I don’t have a really simple answer to that question, though, so let’s try to tackle it in two parts: physically and mentally/emotionally.

Physically

Physically, I’m doing pretty well.  During the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I felt completely normal.  So much so that I was beginning to suspect that maybe I wasn’t really pregnant at all.  But sure enough, right around week 8, several very noticeable symptoms flooded in.  I get some pretty serious nausea every day between 8:30 and 11:30am.  Without fail.  I haven’t thrown up (because honestly, I’m just not prone to throwing up ever), but I feel very unsettled, my throat glands are swollen and producing saliva like crazy, and I’m pretty sure my complexion is an awesome shade of green.  I’ve taken to snacking on Saltines throughout the morning to keep myself in check.  I feel pretty normal in the afternoons, until just before dinnertime when I start to feel sick again.  This has made cooking dinner a challenge, but we’re dealing with it.  The biggest thing I’ve had to avoid is chicken, which totally grosses me out.  ((shudder))  Even thinking about it right now makes me want to gag!  I also have a huge aversion to salad.

What else?  Oh, I’m super tired.  Mostly just in the evenings.  I can hardly watch TV anymore without falling asleep.  And my body is definitely starting to change.  For the past week, simply getting dressed in the morning was a major event, because hardly anything fit.  So I made a trip to Kohl’s over the weekend to supplement my wardrobe with a few items that will hopefully accommodate my expanding waistline.  (Long, flowing maxi dresses are my new best friend!)

So, all things considered, I’d say I’m feeling pretty good.  The nausea is bearable and the fatigue is not so bad, provided my husband does not expect the house to be quite as clean as it used to be.  :-)

Mentally/Emotionally

Well, this is another animal entirely.  :-)  Steve and I had thought about having children for a long time.  But never in our thinking and planning did we ever officially “crunch the numbers.”  Turns out, kids are expensive!  (Ummm, obvious statement of the year award.)  And the more I think about this, the more I start to freak out.

Here are the facts:

1. As much as I think I’d enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom, we just can’t afford it.  So, I will have to return to work after the baby is born.
2. Not only do I have to keep working, but I have to keep working full-time in order to keep my health benefits (which are significantly better and less expensive than Steve’s).
3. This means that we’ll have to arrange childcare of some sort.  Babysitter?  Daycare?  Family member?  I don’t have that worked out yet…  I sort of have a panic attack every time I think about it.  Especially the cost.  Yipes!!

Other things I am freaking out about in my fragile emotional state:

1. I have changed less than five diapers in my entire life.
2. I have never bathed or fed a child.
3. I have no idea what I’m doing.
4. Is organic really better?  Seriously, I just don’t know anything. 
5. When I return to work, what if the baby cries all night?  How on earth will I function at work with no sleep?
6. What if I have a sickly child?  I can’t just leave work.  I am the receptionist.  They are sort of screwed if I have to leave unexpectedly.  I hate that I’m going to become a huge inconvenience.
7. My car is a 2-door Honda Civic.  Can you imagine how awesome it is going to be to finagle a car seat in and out of the backseat?
8. There are just SOOOO many other things (both reasonable and ridiculous) that are filling my head with fear and trepidation these days.

So, lest you think I am a completely horrible and ungrateful person, I really am happy as a clam to be blessed with this pregnancy.  And, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I know that all of these worries will work themselves out.  Steve and I will figure out how to be parents, how to love this child with all of our might, and how to make it all work in our little corner of the world.

And you know what?  That’s actually kind of exciting to me!  We have our own little path to walk – different from anyone else’s.  Sure, from my perspective, it looks soooo much easier and ideal to be a stay-at-home-mom, but that’s not my story.  I’m scared, yes, but also filled with excitement to see how this all plays out.

Whew!  I’ve stepped back from the ledge.  Nothing to see here, people.  Pep-talk complete.  ;-)

With a Little Help from My Friends...

I’ve had an awful lot of encouragement along this path towards pregnancy.  SO many people offered to pray after reading my blog – and I really felt it.  I got cards and messages too from people sharing their stories of infertility with me.  Many people recommended books to me, and one generous friend even sent me a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  Every little nugget of encouragement did amazing things for my soul.  I felt whole and human again, and not so much like a failure.  I felt like there was hope for me, even though I didn’t yet know what would happen.

One person went above and beyond, and I just have to share this with you, because I get teary-eyed every time I think about it.  In early March of this year, my sister sent me the following message over Facebook.

Beth,

I just wanted to try to send you some encouragement.  (I hope it is encouraging!)  I have been completely unable to get you out of my mind.  I know what it feels like to want a baby and to not understand why it isn't happening.  I know how it hurts.  I know all the questions that go through your mind and all the doubts and frustrations.  I know how helpless and hopeless it can feel.

One thing you have said... that maybe God isn't giving you a child because maybe he knows you won't be a good mother... Well, I just wanted to give you some perspective on that.  Beth, I had that VERY same thought too.  Over and over again.  Then I read about all the infertile women in the Bible (Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth... and also Samson's mom).  Every one of these women suffered years and years of barrenness.   And in the end, each woman was the mother of a great leader of God's chosen people.  Their barrenness had nothing to do with their inability to be a good mother.  Quite the opposite.  They were blessed women.  They were extraordinary mothers.  They were cherished by their husbands, their God, and their long awaited children.  Please, don't begin to doubt your worth or think that you are being punished in any way because you have trouble conceiving.  It's a lie from the pit of hell.  You will be a great mother.  You will be an even better mother for having to wait.

I also wanted to let you know something that I have committed to do for you.  I know that when one is struggling to have a baby... Well, prayers just don't happen.  My prayers were either angry shouts or one tearful word, "please."  I didn't know how to ask anymore or what to say.  I don't know if you are at this point, but I suspect you might be.  I am committing to you to be your prayer warrior.  To stand in for you and pray.  To intercede on your behalf.  Especially on Mondays.  I am committing to fast and pray continually for you on Mondays.  I do not tell you this for any other reason than to let you know that there are some serious prayers and petitions going up for you.  I hope you find encouragement in this.  As my physical and spiritual sister, I need to hold you up when you get weary.  A very good friend did this for me when I was struggling so badly.  I will do this for you.  I will do this until you conceive or God gives you clear guidance and peace with another direction (WHATEVER that may be).

I love you, Beth Elaine.  And I believe you will be a mommy.  A great mommy.

Yup, I’m definitely crying again.  (I can blame that on pregnancy hormones, right?!)  Don’t you wish you had a sister like that?  :-)

Now, Keri probably won’t love that I’m sharing this with you, but I just can’t NOT share it, you know?  Do you know how amazing it feels to really know that someone is praying for you?  And not only praying for you, but fasting too?  This was especially helpful for me because, as she said in her note, when you are struggling so badly with something, there are many times when prayers just don’t happen.  You just don’t know what to say anymore.  Every time you try to open your heart to God, you end up either sobbing or screaming or just speechless from exhaustion.

I honestly feel like I have Keri to thank for my pregnancy – to a certain extent, anyway.  :-)

As a result of this amazing prayer support, I am now taking the challenge myself.  Many of you know that my sister and her husband are currently in the waiting stage of international adoption.  (It’s been a loooong, amazing journey, which you can read about on her blog.)  I have another friend, Megan and her husband Pete, who are also waiting for news from their domestic adoption.  I commit my Mondays to praying for both of these families as they wait… as their hearts and arms ache to hold their babies.

So friends, think for a moment about the power of prayer and the ways in which God has worked through prayer in your life.  Who can you lift up in prayer today?  Who in your life is broken and struggling and needs a warrior to intercede on his or her behalf?

Sweetly Broken

Things I’ve learned recently:

•         God’s plan is beautiful and amazing.
•         He loves me more than I could ever possibly understand.
•         Prayer matters.
•         Spring is that much sweeter when winter has been long.

I've been mulling this around in my head for a week or so now… trying to come up with the best way to capture the events of these recent weeks.  It could get lengthy.  So I’ll break this post into two sections – the Abridged Version (for those of you who are Cliffs-Notes-reading, right-to-the-point people) and the Unabridged Version (for those of you who savor details).

The Abridged Version:

I am pregnant.  :-)

The Unabridged Version:

Shortly before I started this blog (and after many months of “fighting it”), I came to the realization that Steve and I might need some help in our pregnancy journey.  This is NOT the way it was supposed to be, I had told myself time and time again.  Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the most natural things in life, right?  Boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, and makes lots of babies.  Nowhere in that equation was there room for fertility doctors and drugs and invasive, impersonal procedures.

And yet, having tried naturally and unsuccessfully for 1.5 years, Steve and I finally made peace with this idea.  So I made an appointment with an OBGYN to get the ball rolling with infertility education and possible treatments.  The appointment was set for Good Friday – April 22.

On the Saturday prior to the appointment, I began to get a little nervous.  My period was late (which was not completely unusual), and I was worried that it would start too close to my appointment and thereby require me to reschedule.  I was entirely annoyed, having already waited close to two months for this appointment.  While shopping at WalMart that day, I passed the pregnancy test aisle.  I hate that aisle.  After so many negative pregnancy tests, I vowed not to take another one until my period was, like, three months late.  But something in my head prompted me to pick up a single generic Equate pregnancy test anyway.  I was sure it would be negative, but with my infertility appointment approaching so quickly, I just had to know.  So I put the test in my cart and didn’t give it another thought until about 11:00 that evening.

After watching a Saturday night movie, Steve and I headed off to bed.  Steve was already fast asleep when I remembered the pregnancy test.  Knowing that it would be negative, I took the test and didn’t even look at it while I washed my face and brushed my teeth.  With toothpaste foam oozing from my mouth, I glanced down at the test and saw the faintest possible pink plus sign.  Surely it was a just glare or reflection.  So I held up the test and looked closer.  For about three more minutes.  And it was still there.  But so, so faint!  I rolled my eyes and chastised myself for buying the cheapest brand ever.

So.  Not sure what kind of emotions I should be experiencing, I grabbed the test and the instructions and walked to the bedroom to tell Steve.

“Steve, wake up.”

“No.  I’m sleeeeeeeping.”  (Which, in his slumber, sounded more like, “Nuph. Mm eeepnn.”)

“But I think I’m pregnant.”

And quicker that I’ve ever seen him, he shot up out of bed.  “WHAT?  How?  What’s going on?”

And so we examined the test and compared it to the samples on the instruction sheet.  It seemed positive, but seriously.  It was SO faint and very perplexing.  Steve decided that I had to take another test.  But I’d only bought the one!  So we did what any reasonable adult would do – We threw on our jackets over our pajamas and went to the store to buy another one.

We trekked to our 24-hour grocery store, Giant.  I needed to pick up some fruit anyway.  :-)  It was raining and the 10-minute drive felt like an eternity.  This time, we sprung for a more expensive version of the test with a digital display.  I HAD to be sure, darn it!  On the way home, Steve and I sat so quietly in his pick-up truck.  We just kept glancing at each other and exchanging nervous grins.  Halfway home, the windshield wiper broke, and Steve pulled over to try to fix it.  It was pouring by that time, and all I could think was “How the heck did my life become a country song??”

Sitting in his broken-down pick-up truck,

Pregnancy test in my hand.

Not knowing what’s coming next for us;

Could this somehow be part of the plan?

(Seriously, that could be a big hit.  Don’t you think??)  :-)

Anyway…

We stayed up to watch Saturday Night Live while I waited for the urge to pee, which of course, just didn’t happen.  I eventually just turned out the lights and told Steve we’d have to wait until the morning.

So very early on Palm Sunday morning, April 17, I took a second pregnancy test.  And this time, I got a very clear “Pregnant.” 

Pregnant!

And suddenly I just felt – different.  I still didn’t quite believe it.  Honestly, for as long as we had been trying to get pregnant, this all felt very abrupt.  I had JUST accepted that infertility was going to be part of my life and now BAM!  Pregnant.  I was thrilled and scared and overwhelmed and delighted.  This.Is.Really.Happening.

This past Monday I had my first OB appointment.  I am seven weeks along.  (I know, still very early.  But Steve and I were just too excited to delay sharing the good news!)  Baby Lougee is due right around Christmas – December 23.  Best gift ever.  :-)

So it looks as if this blog of mine is going to change its tune much faster than I had anticipated.  I thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement!  If I may be so bold, I’d like to ask for your continued prayers – for a healthy baby and for wisdom for me and Steve as we prepare for parenthood.  We are feeling overjoyed and blessed (and kind of terrified).

Sweetly Broken.  I've had that song in my head ever since I found out that I was pregnant.  The lyrics may seem a little odd for the occasion of rejoicing about the child growing inside of me, BUT I just feel so humbled and broken by this whole thing.  Sweetly broken by the realization of God’s love for me… His answer to prayer... His perfect timing in all things... His gift of life.

Sweetly Broken

By Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Bitter and Sweet

Sometimes I am truly amazed when I stop and think of the path my life has taken.  When I evaluate the places I’ve gone and the person I’ve become and the people that walk this life with me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  It’s not that I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of, but somehow, as I get older and my hindsight vision becomes more acute, it has become clear that my little nook in this world is so much better than anything I could have dreamed up for myself.

I love those moments of complete clarity, when however brief it may be, I am able to look past the day’s stress or heartache and just melt into a still, quiet peace and understanding that I am right where I’m supposed to be.  That somehow, despite my human error and selfishness and shortsightedness, God has guided me through this messy life and made something sweet.  And it may not be perfect and there are still some rough edges, but somehow it is all right.

These moments don’t happen often for me, usually because I’m too busy to look for them.  Sometimes they are so quick and mundane that it’s easy to miss them.  Just a few weeks ago, on a Friday night, Steve took me out for a Chinese dinner.  We drove to the restaurant in our new-to-us 1994 GMC truck.  It was pouring – early spring rain, warm air, dusky gray and orange sky.  I kept stealing glances at my husband.  He was so proud to be driving that truck – sad to have sold his sporty 2007 Mazda, but happy and confident that this truck would be a better fit for us financially.  I felt so taken care of.  So safe.  So madly in love with this man.  Just as I was sorting through these thoughts, Steve looked over and winked and told me that I was a “truck girl”… his truck girl.  I love it.

I felt this warm contentment a few months ago too, at a funeral.  Kelly, my friend since before I could talk, and her husband Ben had just placed their baby girl in the arms of Jesus.  It was an impossibly sad situation.  Even though we’d all known since before her birth that this day would come, our hearts were torn apart.  And yet, when the funeral was over and all of our friends gathered together for a meal, my heart had never felt so full.  This particular group of friends is truly incredible.  We’ve been through so much together – Grade school and college.  Dating and break-ups.  Weddings and funerals.  Births and deaths.  Growth and change.  Arguments and restoration.  Irritation and appreciation.  Love and move love.  Somehow, we’ve stayed together all these years.  We just fit.  And no matter what happens, I know that they’ve got my back, just as I’ve got theirs.  It’s beautiful, to feel that kind of connection.  To have relationships that make you feel like you are part of something great and special and God-given.

The older I get, the more necessary I find it to recount these moments.  To swallow life whole – the bitter and the sweet.  To trace my path with gratitude and thanksgiving.  Because no matter how hard it has been, every step along the way has shaped me into who I am today... and who I am still becoming.  The periods of waiting are long, but there is a purpose in them.  So I rejoice and keep looking for moments of warmth—those tiny packages from God—to carry me through.

Let me wrap this up with a quote from a book called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  Knowing my infertility struggle, my boss gave me this book to borrow, and it has encouraged my heart in so many ways.  I was sobbing (good tears!) after reading these words from the prologue:

… Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness.

Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul.  Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands.  Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity.  Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy.  (Niequest 11)

Amen!

Tuesday's Child

Of all the character traits in all the world, the one that I wish I came by naturally is grace.  Ever since I heard the “Monday’s Child” poem when I was young, I wanted to be Tuesday’s child – full of grace.

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child works hard for a living,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day

Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

Can you guess which day I was born on?  Wednesday.  Full of freaking woe.  I mean, really.  Talk about giving a child a complex.  ;-)

But anyway… back to grace.  In my mind, I have this image of a woman full of grace.  And I want to be just like her.  She is natural and beautiful.  She wears long bohemian skits and her hair lies effortlessly past her shoulders.  Somehow, her wavy locks are always blowing (in the ever-present gentle breeze of this magical world that exists only in my mind). :-)  She is thin, without being skinny, and vibrant, without being showy.  She buys all of her vegetables at the farmers market and carries them in a hand-woven basket.  She bakes her own bread and always has fresh flowers in the kitchen.  I’m pretty sure that she’s a vegetarian too and eats only organic foods.

Everyone loves her.  She is kind and tender-hearted and generous.  She speaks thoughtful words of wisdom and is quick to forgive.  Her actions are full of compassion.  She carries herself with confidence.  She is bold, but gentle.  She seeks peace and restoration.  She has a hearty laugh and a good sense of humor – never sarcastic or belittling.  She demonstrates love in all she does.

She is full of grace.

But I am far from this vision of perfection.  Grace does not come so naturally to me.  It takes practice, I guess.  And 30 years in, I’m still falling short.

So why all this talk of grace?

I guess it’s been on my mind a lot lately as I’ve considered the ways in which I’ve responded to my infertility.  Particularly in light of other people’s blessings.  When you’ve been trying to conceive for as long as Steve and I have, it is only natural to receive news of many, many, many friends who have become pregnant as we’ve waited.  And, I won’t lie to you here – it tears my heart into pieces.  It’s hard to adequately explain what it feels like.  It’s kind of like getting pummeled in the gut, having your lungs collapse, and then being expected to smile and jump around and do back flips of joy.  It’s impossible.  It’s impossible because I want to be happy for my friends, and I try to be happy for my friends, but inside I feel empty.  Like I have failed.  Like I’ve been forgotten.

And yet… I know that there is great happiness in new life, and I have been working and willing myself to find it – no matter what my situation.  The pregnancies of my friends have nothing to do with me.  (I know, I know – I’m totally stating the obvious there, but it’s something that I need to tell myself time and time again.)  As Steve reminded me a few weeks ago (after breaking down following the news of yet another friend’s exciting news), “The world keeps turning, Beth.  People will continue to get pregnant.”  Hard to hear… but true.

It still hurts.  I hate that I’ve become that friend – the one that people are scared to share their happy news with.  I get “special” emails and phone calls: “Umm, so Beth.  I just wanted you to hear it right from me.  I’m pregnant.  I’m so sorry – I know how hard this is for you!”  While I appreciate my dear friends’ sensitivity, I also hate it.  I hate that they think they have to apologize for their blessing.  I hate that they are hesitant to invite me to share in their joy.

And I hate that I haven’t showed more grace.

I will never be the woman full of grace that exists in my imagination.  But I can choose to respond in grace instead of resentment.  I can choose joy instead of bitterness.  I can choose hope instead of despair.

I’m gonna choose to be Tuesday’s child.  :-)