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| one month old on january 29, 2012 |
isn't she cute? :-)
this past month has somehow been the shortest and longest month of my life. shortest because, i mean, holy cow, i am the mother of a one-month old little person! it feels like i just took that positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago, and now suddenly, she's here and growing and such an all-encompassing part of our lives. but this past month has also been long. so, so long. and so much harder than i ever imagined it could be.
i'm sure it's different for everyone. but if i'm being honest, so far, motherhood has not been enjoyable. at all. i've always heard about the joy and fulfillment of being a mom, but i just haven't felt it yet. i think i'm just too tired to feel much of anything at all. while i expected many sleepless nights and difficult days, i was not prepared for this raw, bleary-eyed weariness, day in and day out.
i was not expecting...
- to have such a magnificently fussy child.
- to feel like a failure every. single. day.
- to have bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks from long, exasperating nights.
- to miss my job and being around people.
- to be jealous of my husband, who gets to sleep and leave the house every day.
- to feel so disconnected from my husband and to miss having time just with him.
- to feel lonely.
- to find it impossible to get out of my pajamas before about 2pm.
- to become this familiar with late-night TV. (for the record, i prefer Leno to Letterman.)
- to need my own mom so much.
- to want to fast-forward through the next few months.
- to feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for this wide range of emotions.
- to feel like somehow i don't have the "mom gene."
and yet, i was also not expecting... to love my daughter SO much.
no matter how long and difficult the night has been, my favorite moment of each day is my first glimpse of isla in the morning. when i lift her from the crib and place her on the changing table, the glowing morning sunlight pours in gently from the window onto her face. and she loves it. she looks up at me with her deep, navy blue eyes, and in that moment, it's like we have an understanding -- we're learning and growing together. we love and need each other. we are mama and daughter. always. and even though i know the day will be hard and the night will be harder, that quiet moment in the morning is my encouragement... the tiniest bit of bliss that i need to carry on.
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so it hasn't been a smooth month. it's been brutal and ugly. and honestly, it doesn't look like things will be turning around any time soon. BUT this is parenthood. this is what i had prayed for. so on we go. one morning at a time.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided--
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
I'm sure you are the most WONDERFUL mother EVER! Isla is such a cutie! Hang in there, it gets easier. :) (((((hugs)))))
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling like I didn't have the mom gene too, and I was getting sleep at night. I don't know how you are doing long days AND long nights. Also, Cadence is six months old and I was still wearing PJs at 2pm yesterday. Just.so.ya.know ;)
ReplyDeleteHUGS BE... your honesty, faith and hope are an encouragement to me!
Praying for you, BE! Thanks for being so transparent. It allows others to be as well. I can relate...I kept saying as I read...I felt/feel the same way at times. I had a similar 1st month (and other months like that, even with Anna almost 1 year old). To be honest, some months are still like that, but it does get better. Yes, we love them like crazy, but it can be so hard! Praying for both of us today...
ReplyDeleteDear Beth - Your honesty and raw feeling move me. Move me to tears, move me to joy, move me to keep pressing on in my own journey for my own quiet mornings some day. Thank you. Know that you and Steve are nothing but success in my book. ~Sara Jo
ReplyDeleteOh, that first month is rough. ROUGH. And it's so much harder with your first baby....because it's a total life changer on top of all the difficult newborn stuff. I will tell you that with subsequent children it's much easier. MAN did I dread that first month with Edison....so much so that I almost had panic attacks thinking about it when I was pregnant. And yet when he came it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined because I was already used to the lifestyle that is motherhood.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, let me encourage you to just hang on. Seriously. Things get SO MUCH BETTER after the 8 week mark. With both my kids I remember wishing to hit that magical week because suddenly things evened out. You find a rhythm, your baby starts to learn the difference between nights and days, and things get a little more predictable. You LEARN your baby.
I remember the bedtime depression, knowing what's coming ahead. I acutely remember the crying-in-the-corner while feeding the baby at 1 a.m. and my husband asking me if everything is ok? No....but it will be. God is asking a lot of you right now but guess what? You're SO CAPABLE of doing it. He designed you to be Isla's mama just as he designed her to be your daughter....and he'll sustain you when you feel like you're all alone in "the baby needs me every two hours all day long and it's never going to end" camp.
Hang in there, sister. It WILL get better. And since no one has said it yet....don't be afraid to tell your doctor if you think you might have a touch of post-partum depression. It's so stinkin' common and so often undiagnosed as just "sleep-deprived". Loves!
Hey Beth,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I know what you are going through! It is so crazy...and in my personal opinion, recovering from a c-section makes it 10x worse because you are trying to deal with your own recovery at the same time. I don't think I realized how bad it was until I started to come out of it around wk 6 or so. You have already made it through the worst part - I promise!!
I am pretty much home with Brynn all day right now, so if you ever wanted to Skype or swap ideas or talk about grown-up stuff, let me know. Seriously! Every baby is different, but there were a few resources that we came across that helped us out a LOT. Brynn was fussy, too. Hang in there!! This is only a phase...it's not the way the rest of your life is going to be. (I had to keep repeating that to myself).
Sharon
Yes...she's too cute! (That hairbow is great!)
ReplyDeleteI pretty much echo everything everybody else has said. Kudos to you for your honesty...and (as Jess is constantly reminding me), "Welcome to the trenches"! We're all fighting the same battle wherever we are, so we get it. We hear you. We understand. And you are totally normal. One day you will sleep again. One day she will sleep, too (though not necessarily on the same night!). And God will "gently lead those that have young" (Is. 40:11), just like you said.
I prayed for you! Keep up the good work! You're a great mommy!
I agree with SharonM.. the c-section makes everything 10x worse. I also agree that it gets better! Our Emma did not sleep through the night until after she was 13-months old. So, I've been there done that! It is hard!! To me, the best part was that when she finally fell asleep, I could feel her breathing and hold her tiny self in my arms and that made it all so worth it! But, it is not easy at all.
ReplyDeleteI also had a difficult time adjusting to the change in our marriage and not going to work every day and being in my pajama's all day... I think the first 4 weeks were spent in their entirety in my pajama's... any other pants hurt my c-section cut!
She is absolutely adorable, though, and even though it's hard to imagine... it won't be long before you are out of this phase and into the super fun parts :)
BE, your baby is gorgeous. You are gorgeous, and this post in it's bare honesty is gorgeous. What I always find hilarious is that there are these new mom "jokes" about not having time to shower or sleep or wearing the same clothes for a week straight. And we all snicker like they are an exaggeration. Then we live it, and find out they are dead-on truth. I hope you hear the clanging of truth in these comments. You are so normal. You are not alone. You are not doing it wrong. It is hard and exhausting and did I mention hard? Hang in there. God is using this time and this parenting to transform you and your Isla. On the other side of this desert, there are blessings untold.
ReplyDeleteBE--i'm twitching as it all comes back to me. and almost naseous. If i were near you, i would be there in a HEARTBEAT to take night duty. so you could rest. man oh man. I used to hate all of the women on t.v. because i KNEW that they weren't breastfeeding and i was SO JEALOUS.
ReplyDeletethe amazing thing, though, is that God is going to use this time to shape you and mold you in ways you never thought imaginable. It's a bummer that shaping and molding isn't a painless process.
Newbornhood is sweetly sucky. or suckily sweet however you want to look at it.
You're normal, and you're not crazy. Best thing you can do is do your best. (and get rid of that guilty feeling b/c it can wreak havoc.)
every thing i just said sounds so cliche, but I mean every word from the bottom of my heart to encourage you. It's so sweet and precious. but....geez. your whole life just turned upsidedown. and it's okay to feel a little all over the place and emotional. :)
With my son, I worked his whole first year of life from 6 weeks on. SO hard. When our daughter was born I was blessed enough to get to stay home with our kiddos (still do, THREE years later!!). And Beth, I felt EVERYthing you listed that you feel now as a new mom. I felt like a failure, like I was finally getting my dream to be a stay at home mommy, and I was just so miserable and discontent. I guess the best thing I can say is I grew into it. I ADORE my job as primary caregiver (hubby does a LOT too, it's just a title, lol) and housekeeper. Opportunities have arisen to get jobs outside of the house, and honestly...not interested anymore. I am loving this. And I know you will love mommyhood soon enough too! You are already doing amaaaazing in admitting your humanity :) That's one of the best things we can do as mamas for our kiddos! Congrats,she's beautiful, hang in there, and rest easy in the One who loans them to us ;)
ReplyDeletewoops,not three...eden will be 2 in june, teehee. just had to correct that for my own type a self ;)
ReplyDelete