morning by morning

one month old on january 29, 2012

isn't she cute?  :-)

this past month has somehow been the shortest and longest month of my life.  shortest because, i mean, holy cow, i am the mother of a one-month old little person!  it feels like i just took that positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago, and now suddenly, she's here and growing and such an all-encompassing part of our lives.  but this past month has also been long.  so, so long.  and so much harder than i ever imagined it could be.

i'm sure it's different for everyone.  but if i'm being honest, so far, motherhood has not been enjoyable.  at all.  i've always heard about the joy and fulfillment of being a mom, but i just haven't felt it yet.  i think i'm just too tired to feel much of anything at all.  while i expected many sleepless nights and difficult days, i was not prepared for this raw, bleary-eyed weariness, day in and day out.

i was not expecting...

• to have such a magnificently fussy child.
• to feel like a failure every. single. day.
• to have bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks from long, exasperating nights.
• to miss my job and being around people.
• to be jealous of my husband, who gets to sleep and leave the house every day.
• to feel so disconnected from my husband and to miss having time just with him.
• to feel lonely.
• to find it impossible to get out of my pajamas before about 2pm.
• to become this familiar with late-night TV.  (for the record, i prefer Leno to Letterman.)
• to need my own mom so much.
• to want to fast-forward through the next few months.
• to feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for this wide range of emotions.
• to feel like somehow i don't have the "mom gene."

and yet, i was also not expecting... to love my daughter SO much.

no matter how long and difficult the night has been, my favorite moment of each day is my first glimpse of isla in the morning.  when i lift her from the crib and place her on the changing table, the glowing morning sunlight pours in gently from the window onto her face.  and she loves it.  she looks up at me with her deep, navy blue eyes, and in that moment, it's like we have an understanding -- we're learning and growing together.  we love and need each other.  we are mama and daughter.  always.  and even though i know the day will be hard and the night will be harder, that quiet moment in the morning is my encouragement... the tiniest bit of bliss that i need to carry on.

so it hasn't been a smooth month.  it's been brutal and ugly.  and honestly, it doesn't look like things will be turning around any time soon.  BUT this is parenthood.  this is what i had prayed for.  so on we go.  one morning at a time.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning, new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided--

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

isla's arrival

(i started writing this post over a week ago...  ha!  welcome to life with an infant, right?)

Isla Grace ~ born on December 29, 2011, at 4:31pm ~ 8 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long

i'm not sure if i'll get through this post before my little snuggle bug wakes up, but i have found myself in a rare quiet moment, and i must take some time to reflect on the events of the past few days before the memories start to swirl away.  i am currently propped up in my hospital bed while my husband snoozes on the futon next to me and my swaddled daughter lies cozily in her bassinet at the foot of the bed.

daughter.

i can't get over that.  can't believe that she is ours.  can't fully understand this blessing.  can't comprehend the magnitude of this responsibility.  in short, i am consumed with love for her and completely overwhelmed with the many changes that are upon us.  but more on that another time.  for now, i just want to tell the story of isla's arrival.

(disclaimer: i very rarely read other people's "birth stories."  i've just never gotten into it.  but now i understand why women do it.  and it's the same reason why i'm doing it myself!  but, for the record, i won't hold it against you if you don't read all of these details.  because honestly, this post is long and mostly self-serving.  i want to remember everything that i possibly can about that day!)

my due date was december 23, which came and went without much ado.  next came christmas eve and christmas day, which were certainly special, if not a little disappointing, as i had been hoping to share the holiday with our daughter.

on the evening of tuesday, december 27, i was up all night with contractions.  they were fairly mild, but were strong enough to keep me from sleeping and had me pacing around the house with my iphone and contraction timer app.  (yup, there's an app for that!)  but the contractions never got closer than 10 minutes apart, and by 6:00am, they had stopped altogether.  i was a little annoyed, but what can you do, right?

on wednesday, december 28, steve took off work, and we spent the morning running errands, trying to get last minute details in place before the baby arrived.  i was pretty exhausted when we got home and tried to nap.  however, at 2:00pm, the contractions started.  they were irregular and mild, but kept coming every 15 to 30 minutes.  by dinner time, they were getting stronger, and by 9:00pm, i was in some serious pain.  i refrained from calling the doctor because the contractions were still irregular, some coming 4 minutes apart, others as much as 20 minutes apart.  but at midnight when i had one that brought me to the floor, writhing in pain, steve said he didn't care about regularity.  it was time to call.  the on-call midwife seemed a little skeptical on the phone, but told me that we could come into the hospital to get checked out.  she got a little friendlier when she saw that i was nearly 4 centimeters dilated.  :-)  and so we were admitted.

between contractions...  sometime around 2:00am

we were taken to a labor and delivery room which is where the birth would eventually take place.  (or at least that was the plan!)  i made it clear that i wanted an epidural, but desired to "tough it out" a little first.  at 3:30am, i admitted that i was too exhausted to go on, and by 4:00am, i was resting comfortably with my glorious epidural.  steve and i were able to get some much needed sleep at that point.  when we awoke around 7:00 or 8:00am, i was hoping to hear a report of some amazing dilation progression.  however, it turns out that i was only at 5 centimeters and my contractions had basically stopped.

pretty tired after a long night... but excited!

introduce pitocin.  and several odd positioning techniques that were supposed to encourage dilation.  (it was amusing to be placed in these positions while my body was dead weight from the waist down!)  somewhere around this time, my blood pressure dropped seriously low and they couldn't find isla's heartbeat.  so the midwife quickly broke my water and applied a fetal monitoring device.  thankfully, isla was fine and after some medication, my blood pressure was back to normal.  whew!

several more hours passed.  steve and i attempted to rest.  my parents came to visit.  i ate lots of jello.  and the nurses kept increasing my pitocin.  but there was no change in my dilation.  as we neared the maximum dosage of pitocin that was safe for me and isla, the midwife got real with me.  she was going to give me two more hours -- if i didn't dilate significantly, she was going to recommend a c-section.  this news didn't really phase me because i thought certainly i would dilate with the maximum dosage of pitocin.  however, by 3:30pm, i was still at 5 centimeters and my cervix had started to thicken back up.  i didn't even know that was possible!

so the doctor came in and verified that a c-section was really the best option at this point.  she explained the procedure, i signed the consent forms, and before i knew it, several nurses and two anesthesiologists were buzzing around me, prepping me for surgery.

this.was.really.happening.

at around 4:00pm, steve was holding my hand as i was wheeled to the OR.  i had never had any type of surgery -- not even to have my wisdom teeth removed -- so i was getting pretty nervous.  the OR was bustling!  steve had to wait outside while i was prepped, so i was very thankful for the nurse who sat by my side and told me what was going on and kept me calm.

nervous daddy!

nervous mommy!

i was about to become a mom.  like, for real!

soon enough, steve was brought into the room.  he sat by my head -- safely behind the blue curtain!  the surgery began, and not even 5 minutes later, at 4:31pm, i heard a cry.  a sweet little whimper.  i looked above the curtain, and there she was in the doctor's arms.  slimy and squirmy and beautiful.  (i have a picture of this, but i'm pretty sure no one except steve and me would find it beautiful...!)  :-)

8 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long.  button nose, pouty lips, smooshy chin.  light brown hair, piercing eyes, long fingers and toes.

our little family :-)

everything that happened after the surgery is a bit of a blur.  holding isla for the first time... feeding her... regaining feeling in my legs in the recovery room... listening to the nurses oooh and ahhhh over isla's sweetness... watching steve beam with pride as he snuggled his daughter so closely... being settled into my room... extreme nausea and chills... sleeping through isla's introduction to her grandparents... a long night of constant monitoring and baby feedings...

isla is now 11 days old.  she is sweet and snuggly and amazing.  sometimes i cry just thinking about how much i love her.  :-)  and other times i cry because i'm just so completely exhausted and overwhelmed!  but i remind myself every day that this is normal... and things WILL get better.  we're taking it one day at a time, learning and growing together.

thank you, Lord, for this blessing.  may i never forget the journey of tears and prayers and waiting that brought me to this point.  may i recognize each day and night as a gift and somehow find joy through the exhaustion.  may i remember that motherhood is a great responsibility and a high calling -- and may i trust that you will equip me to fulfill that which you have called me to do.  may i grow ever closer to You as i begin to understand the meaning of the word 'sacrificial love.'  and may i grow closer to my husband as we walk this road together.  bless our sweet daughter, isla grace.  may she be healthy and strong and inquisitive and happy.  may she love You above all things and bring joy to those who cross her path.

sitting, waiting, wishing

well... my birthday, my last day of work, isla's due date, and christmas have all come and gone.  as much as i was hoping to have a baby in my arms by this point, i can't say that i'm too surprised to still be waiting.

at my 40 week appointment last thursday, a somewhat callous and matter-of-fact midwife (who let's just say was NOT my favorite person ever) made it very clear that i wasn't even close.  i believe her exact words were "your cervix is completely closed and way up in the rafters."  (too much info?  sorry...)  later when i told her that i was staying in the area for the holidays, she said, "it doesn't really matter.  you're not going to go into labor and even if you do, you'd still have plenty of time to drive back here."  ummm, thanks.  i kind of wanted to claw her eyes out.  :-)

but the truth is that she was probably right.  and so we wait.  and wait.  and wait.  i know that this is extremely normal.  disappointing, but normal.

if i've learned anything over the past few years, it's that waiting is not such a bad thing.  i know that she will be worth it.  and while i'm waiting, i've been soaking up some extra special time with steve in our last few days or weeks as a family of two.  uncomfortable though i may be, i am enjoying this period of time...  i'm learning to love my husband a little deeper... express my gratefulness and appreciation a little more openly... and snuggle a little bit closer (as much as my jumbo belly will allow!).  :-)  perhaps God knew we needed this.

hope you all had a marvelous christmas!  here's to a truly life-changing new year!  :-)

countdown...

well, here i am at 38.5 weeks.  (remember a few months ago when i was so sad about how long it was taking for my belly to pop out?  now it looks like i'm trying to smuggle a basketball under my shirt...)  :-)

anyway, Little Miss Isla is due in just 11 DAYS.  i believe steve and i are about as ready as we're ever going to be!  here are a few stats...

• 5 DAYS until my 31st birthday (kind of forgot about my birthday this year... i'm just curious to find out if isla is going to have to share her birthday with her mama!)
• 4 MEALS in the freezer for after isla's arrival (hoping to make a few more if time permits...)
• 3 BAGS packed for the hospital for me, steve, and isla (pretty sure i over-packed, but i like to be prepared!)
• 2 WEEKS until christmas (so excited to see if this will be isla's first christmas!)
• 1 CAR SEAT safely installed in the back of my honda (i feel like such a grown up!)

in other news, i'd like to follow-up with last week's discussion about the possibility of an ECV.  we met with the doctor on tuesday to talk about the pros and cons of this procedure.  when we found out that there was only a 50% success rate and also the possibility of trauma / distress to the baby, steve and i really didn't feel comfortable going this route.  so we decided that a c-section would be a better option for me.  HOWEVER, it turns out that it was a moot point because on thursday i had another ultrasound, and it showed that isla had flipped herself around again!  she is now head-down, face-down, and ready to go!  so now we wait and hope that she stays in that position for the remainder of the pregnancy.  (apparently, she still has enough room in there to flip again, so they'll just keep a close eye on her.)

hope you all are enjoying the holiday season!  i know it will be life-changing for me and steve this year!  :-)

project nursery and other news

we have a nursery.  and not a moment too soon!  isla could very possibly arrive any day now, so i'm happy that her room is finally ready!

to appreciate the final product, you really need to see the "before" pictures.  previously, her room had been our junk room in every sense of the word.  yuck.

in order to transform the room into a nursery, we had to replace the drafty old windows, change the light fixture, prime everything (the previous paint had been oil based...), apply about 500 coats of paint (ok, maybe just three or four...), cry a lot and change my mind a lot and fight with the people at walmart about failed site-to-store deliveries (pregnancy = way too much drama for me!), and then finally pull it all together!  whew!

so here's the final product.  it doesn't really compare to the amazingly cool nurseries i've been scoping out on pinterest.com and other websites, but i like it and i think isla will feel right at home.  :-)

 i picked the general color palate, but steve settled on the final wall color.  good choice, steve!  :-)

the changing table is a reeeeeaally old dresser from my dad's side of the family.  i repainted it 6-7 years ago, having no idea that i'd one day use it for for this purpose!

in the near future, the hooks will be used for hanging little towels and whatnot... but for now, i just couldn't resist hanging a cute little sweater!

here is the corner opposite of the crib.  the rocking chair is the same one the my mom rocked me and my sister on as babies.  :-)

i painted the back of a bookshelf to match my colors.  easy-schmeasy update!  also, the stuffed animals all have a story behind them.  i love that i can pass them on to my little girl!

ideally, i'd still like to find an ottoman and side table for this corner of the room.  with my awesome photoshopping skills, you can see how this will look one day.  :-)

 in other news....

• prior to thanksgiving, isla had been head-down and ready for delivery.  however, at my appointment last week, the midwife discovered that she had flipped back around and is now breech.  (must have been all of that wonderful thanksgiving food!)  since i'm now at 37 weeks, we will be meeting with a doctor tomorrow to discuss options, which include an ECV (external cephalic version) or possibly a c-section.  or maybe she'll flip back around on her own!  we'll see...
• i know that breech = bad, but ever since she flipped into this position, i've been so much more comfortable!  so the relief is kind of nice.
• i now have exactly two pairs of pants that fit.  (and really, only one pair that fits well.)  dressing for the next few weeks could get interesting....
• i am unbelievably excited to meet my baby girl!!!  i continue to praise God for this miracle.

have a great week, friends!

one month! (give or take a few days....)

today is the 23rd.  that means my due date is in one month.  ONE MONTH.  how do i feel about that?

terrified, apprehensive, excited :-)

one month seems like a rather short amount of time... when i consider all of the remaining projects that i'd like to finish before isla arrives.  although, i've recently come to the point where i can honestly say it won't be the end of the world if XYZ doesn't happen before baby girl comes home.  (do i HAVE to get the tax documents properly filed before i become a mother?  probably not.)  :-)  

but on the other hand, one month seems like an excruciatingly long amount of time... when i think about how much longer i have to bear this uncomfortable and even painful physical condition.  i had a gloriously easy first 7.5 months of pregnancy.  no morning sickness, just a touch of nausea, minor back pain, but really, nothing horrible.  however, in the past two weeks, my body has taken on some of the ugly and unpleasant pregnancy side effects.  and it hurts.  to sit, to stand, to walk, to relax.  it just hurts.  always.  BUT every uncomfortable moment is a reminder of the blessing that is to come.  i cannot even express how thankful i am to be in this position, as unpleasant as it may be at times!  i am so excited to meet our baby girl, our answer to prayer, our gift from God.

happy thanksgiving to you and your families!

shower of blessings

this past saturday, my sister threw a lovely baby shower for me.  at my request, it was not a surprise, but i was entirely blessed and surprised by all of the fun little details.  and, ooohhh, the food!!  i think that was probably the best part.  :-)  but let's start at the beginning...

here i am, prior to the shower.  at 34 weeks, i'm looking rather pregnant, don't you think?  :-)

when i arrived at the shower (which was held in an old renovated mill that is owned by my church), i was delighted to see that it had been decorated with the colors i'm using for the nursery -- black, white, aqua, and yellow.  so cute!

after some socializing, we opened presents.  i wasn't surprised to receive a multitude of super cute baby girl outfits and accessories!  i mean, who can resist.... :-)

i was especially impressed with my grandma's gift wrapping of the diaper bag!  hilarious.  :-)

after gifts, we ate a truly fabulous meal.  three different types of homemade soup, various freshly-baked breads, asian noodle salad, apple salad, bacon-wrapped water chestnuts, and hot cider. 

and the desserts!  check out that spread.  cupcakes, lemon bars, lime bars, and cake pops decorated as baby chicks.  (the cake pops were truly a labor of love -- thank you, keri!!  i could have eaten a dozen of them...)

it was a fun evening, filled with some of my most favorite people in the world.  my sister certainly went out of her way to make the day special for me.  thank you, keri!  i love you!!

up next on the baby to-do list:

• assemble the crib and finish the nursery (we're getting close...!)
• wash and organize baby clothes
• this weekend, attend a whirlwind childbirth class (5 hours on saturday and sunday... let's hope i don't run away screaming.  the whole labor and delivery thing is completely terrifying to me!)