dedication

this past weekend was a special one for our family.  on saturday, steve and i celebrated five years of marriage. and on sunday, isla was dedicated at church.  it was a neat juxtaposition of events -- recalling the vows steve and i took five years ago, in front of a crowd of witnesses, as we pledged our lives to each other.  and then, standing in front of church again, this time with our daughter, asking for God's blessing on her life and pledging to raise her in a way that is honoring to Him.

our wedding vows focused on love and commitment and respect -- for each other and also for God, through whom we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28).

isla's dedication focused on grace -- her middle name, which we chose very intentionally.  our pastor, knowing the story behind her name, prayed this verse for her:

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work (2 Corinthians 9:8).

i will continue to pray that verse for isla -- that grace would abound in her life, that she would fall in love with her Savior and accept God's gift of grace, and that she would show grace to those who cross her path.  i also pray that grace will abound in our marriage -- that we would learn more and more what it means to love and forgive and trust and hope and respect, that we would be each other's biggest fans, and that we would always choose to support and encourage and honor.

so thankful today for God's many gifts -- especially my husband, my daughter, and His Grace.

losing it

i have struggled with self-image for a very long time.  specifically in regards to my weight.  i went on my first "diet" when i was in fourth grade.  fourth grade!  i wasn't an overweight child, but even at the tender young age of 10, i was painfully aware of the size of my thighs.  behind the closed door of my bedroom, i would pull up my desk chair to our full-length mirror and examine how my legs looked from the front and sides when i was sitting down.  when i was 13, i tried to jerry-rig a "girdle" (a piece of cardboard and some yarn -- ha!) under my easter dress because i thought my tummy was too big.  in college, i even tried to induce vomiting after meals in a desperate attempt to lose weight, but it never worked.  (and thank God for that!)  apparently, i don't have a gag reflex.

so, why am i bringing this up?  well... i'm struggling.  granted, it's only been 15 weeks since isla's birth, and i wasn't expecting to lose the weight that quickly.  but.  i have found, especially since starting back at work, that the post-baby weight loss journey is no joke.  and while i don't want to make excuses, i do find it helpful to identify my hurdles:

1. i am breastfeeding isla.  ergo, i am hungry. all. the. time.  i'm working on self-control with that, but i can't cut back too many calories or my milk supply will decrease.  in my research of this dilemma, i've read that in order to lose weight, it's best for breastfeeding mothers to focus on exercise rather than cutting back calories.  so that leads me to my next problem...
2. i can't seem to find any time to exercise.  this is particularly frustrating for me.  when i get home from work, my evenings generally roll out like this: feed isla, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up, work through isla's bedtime routine, feed her one last time, put her down for the night, finish chores, catch my breath, go to bed.  so unless i get up even earlier in the morning (and i'm already getting up at 5am), i can't see any windows of opportunity for a good, solid workout.

i've tried to come to terms with this, telling myself that it's just for a season -- i can go a few months without exercise, right?  wrong.  (i think.)  while it's true that this part of my life IS only for a season, i just can't bear to stop exercising all together.  i mean, my family's medical history is like a who's who of health problems.  we've had cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, parkinson's, and more.  i have a strong desire to take good care of my body, but i'm just not sure how to accomplish this as a full-time working and breastfeeding mother.

so how do i do this?

seriously, how?  that was not a rhetorical question.  i welcome suggestions!  :-)

even as i struggle with feeling unattractive and "blah," i am increasingly aware that if being a little chubby is my worst problem at the moment, then really, life isn't too bad.  :-)  God has blessed me with a loving and hard-working husband, a healthy and spirited daughter, a supportive and godly family, a cozy home, a job that i enjoy, and so much more.  here's to never losing sight of that...!

making time

after isla's first day of daycare

i have now been back at work for one week.  and it's been... challenging.  but not in the way i was expecting. i was expecting to feel "mommy guilt," to hate being away from my little girl, to feel all kinds of emotional turmoil.  and while i do certainly miss isla throughout the day and she is never far from my thoughts, i've actually found it enjoyable to be back in a professional environment.  i LOVE being part of team, talking to adults every day, helping and encouraging people, crossing tangible items off my to-do list every single day.  it's very fulfilling for me.

i was also expecting to dread dropping off isla at daycare every morning.  but (with the exception of the first day when she cried and cried), she has transitioned quite nicely!  her teachers have told me how much she enjoys watching the "big kids" play.  (and by "big kids," i mean 6-12 months.)  :-)  she giggles and coos and kicks at little toys hanging over her.  she even naps!  (ground-breaking!)  i love that she will make friends and learn social skills at such an early age.  i have 100% confidence in the daycare center that we chose.  what a HUGE answer to prayer!

the challenging part about being back at work has been time management in my personal life.  in other words, trying to figure out how to accomplish everything that needs done on the home front.  from the time i get up at 5AM until the time isla finally goes to sleep at 9:30PM (give or take an hour), my day is go, go, go!  there is just no down time.  it's silly, perhaps, but i've been stressing about:

• having time to cook well-balanced meals
• having time to clean
• spending enough time with isla
• spending enough time with steve
• finding time to exercise
• finding time to read
• finding time to pray and read my Bible

there is just never enough time!

but isn't that always the case?  no matter what stage of life we are in, there is always something eating up our time.  so we evaluate, prioritize, assess, adjust... and eventually, something works out.  a new rhythm is created.  a few months ago, our pastor spoke about finding margin in our lives.  i'm not sure if this is possible for a new, working mom.  but i'm going to try anyway.  :-)  i'm looking for practical ways to simplify...  ways to enjoy life instead of always looking to the next thing on the list and feeling overextended...  ways to establish a schedule that works for our family but also to feel joy and freedom within the structure.  here are a few ideas i've come up with:

• make a meal menu on the weekends.  prepare as many meals as possible in advance.  also keep a stock of freezer meals.
• pick out my outfit and isla's outfit the night before.  (i can't even tell you how much time i waste on this in the mornings...  it's embarrassing.)
• turn some of my exercising into play time with isla (i found some fun mama/baby exercises here and here.  isla loves it!)
• turn the tv off.  especially during dinner time.
• sing and pray in the shower.
• as much as possible, don't just put things down -- put them away.  (this was a little tip i read in my real simple magazine.  i love it!)

so.  what else do you have for me?  what tricks have you discovered to balance life?  to create more time?  to help your busy day go a little smoother?

snuggling with isla yesterday morning after she caught her first cold at daycare :-)

if i could save time in a bottle...

this week, it's really been hitting me how soon i have to go back to work.  and how quickly these precious days with my little sweet pea are going to come to an end.  it's crushing me!  i'm confident that it will all work out okay and that i'll even enjoy being back at work once we get into a comfortable rhythm... but getting there may be a challenge.

i'm happy to feel so torn, though.  during the first month of isla's life, i think i would have given anything to be back at work and feel "normal" again.  but we've both grown so much since then... fallen so much more in love with each other...  we've created a "new normal."  so somehow, my broken heart makes me feel like i'm doing something right.

in lieu of the end of maternity leave approaching so quickly, we've been doing an awful lot of this...

snuggling, snuggling, snuggling...

(the dishes can wait.  she will only fit so perfectly under my chin for a little while...)

doing everything in my power to bring out that gurgling grin...

(singing "i believe in a thing called love," dancing like a goofball around the living room, making motorboat sounds.  only for you, girly!)

staring into those big, curious eyes....

(never stop learning, baby!  i'm so proud of you already!)

so, so thankful for this little girl.  my heart has never felt so big!

sweet relief

as it turns out, you all weren't lying to me.  it really DOES get better.  :-)  if the first month of isla's life can be described as "just get me through this," the second month could be summarized as "sweet relief."  sweet because, i mean, have you seen that cutie in the above picture??  her little personality melts my heart.  and relief because we're starting to figure things out and we're even getting some sleep, which is aaaaaaamazing.  :-)  i'm finally starting to feel the blessing of motherhood rather than being consumed with frustration and worry and exhaustion.  oh, i'm still tired.  and i have a million concerns about life from day to day, but i'm able to take it in stride.  i wish i could reach through my computer and hug all of you who left words of encouragement.  i can't even explain how much that meant to me!

a few stats:

• 2 feet -- isla's length.  she's in the 99th percentile.  looks like she's going to be tall like her daddy!
• 9 hours -- the length of time she sleeps through the night (typically from 10pm to 7am).  SO wonderful!  now we're working on getting her to sleep a little earlier, which would be nice for when i return to work.
• 3 weeks -- until i return to work.  i'm not dreading going back because i enjoy my job and coworkers. but i'm apprehensive of the transition and figuring out all of the logistics.
• 5:00 AM -- the time i've started getting up in the morning in preparation for my return to work.  hoping to make this feel "normal" so that it's not such a shock to my system on march 20.

enjoy your Leap Day, everyone!  :-)

morning by morning

one month old on january 29, 2012

isn't she cute?  :-)

this past month has somehow been the shortest and longest month of my life.  shortest because, i mean, holy cow, i am the mother of a one-month old little person!  it feels like i just took that positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago, and now suddenly, she's here and growing and such an all-encompassing part of our lives.  but this past month has also been long.  so, so long.  and so much harder than i ever imagined it could be.

i'm sure it's different for everyone.  but if i'm being honest, so far, motherhood has not been enjoyable.  at all.  i've always heard about the joy and fulfillment of being a mom, but i just haven't felt it yet.  i think i'm just too tired to feel much of anything at all.  while i expected many sleepless nights and difficult days, i was not prepared for this raw, bleary-eyed weariness, day in and day out.

i was not expecting...

• to have such a magnificently fussy child.
• to feel like a failure every. single. day.
• to have bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks from long, exasperating nights.
• to miss my job and being around people.
• to be jealous of my husband, who gets to sleep and leave the house every day.
• to feel so disconnected from my husband and to miss having time just with him.
• to feel lonely.
• to find it impossible to get out of my pajamas before about 2pm.
• to become this familiar with late-night TV.  (for the record, i prefer Leno to Letterman.)
• to need my own mom so much.
• to want to fast-forward through the next few months.
• to feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for this wide range of emotions.
• to feel like somehow i don't have the "mom gene."

and yet, i was also not expecting... to love my daughter SO much.

no matter how long and difficult the night has been, my favorite moment of each day is my first glimpse of isla in the morning.  when i lift her from the crib and place her on the changing table, the glowing morning sunlight pours in gently from the window onto her face.  and she loves it.  she looks up at me with her deep, navy blue eyes, and in that moment, it's like we have an understanding -- we're learning and growing together.  we love and need each other.  we are mama and daughter.  always.  and even though i know the day will be hard and the night will be harder, that quiet moment in the morning is my encouragement... the tiniest bit of bliss that i need to carry on.

so it hasn't been a smooth month.  it's been brutal and ugly.  and honestly, it doesn't look like things will be turning around any time soon.  BUT this is parenthood.  this is what i had prayed for.  so on we go.  one morning at a time.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning, new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided--

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

isla's arrival

(i started writing this post over a week ago...  ha!  welcome to life with an infant, right?)

Isla Grace ~ born on December 29, 2011, at 4:31pm ~ 8 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long

i'm not sure if i'll get through this post before my little snuggle bug wakes up, but i have found myself in a rare quiet moment, and i must take some time to reflect on the events of the past few days before the memories start to swirl away.  i am currently propped up in my hospital bed while my husband snoozes on the futon next to me and my swaddled daughter lies cozily in her bassinet at the foot of the bed.

daughter.

i can't get over that.  can't believe that she is ours.  can't fully understand this blessing.  can't comprehend the magnitude of this responsibility.  in short, i am consumed with love for her and completely overwhelmed with the many changes that are upon us.  but more on that another time.  for now, i just want to tell the story of isla's arrival.

(disclaimer: i very rarely read other people's "birth stories."  i've just never gotten into it.  but now i understand why women do it.  and it's the same reason why i'm doing it myself!  but, for the record, i won't hold it against you if you don't read all of these details.  because honestly, this post is long and mostly self-serving.  i want to remember everything that i possibly can about that day!)

my due date was december 23, which came and went without much ado.  next came christmas eve and christmas day, which were certainly special, if not a little disappointing, as i had been hoping to share the holiday with our daughter.

on the evening of tuesday, december 27, i was up all night with contractions.  they were fairly mild, but were strong enough to keep me from sleeping and had me pacing around the house with my iphone and contraction timer app.  (yup, there's an app for that!)  but the contractions never got closer than 10 minutes apart, and by 6:00am, they had stopped altogether.  i was a little annoyed, but what can you do, right?

on wednesday, december 28, steve took off work, and we spent the morning running errands, trying to get last minute details in place before the baby arrived.  i was pretty exhausted when we got home and tried to nap.  however, at 2:00pm, the contractions started.  they were irregular and mild, but kept coming every 15 to 30 minutes.  by dinner time, they were getting stronger, and by 9:00pm, i was in some serious pain.  i refrained from calling the doctor because the contractions were still irregular, some coming 4 minutes apart, others as much as 20 minutes apart.  but at midnight when i had one that brought me to the floor, writhing in pain, steve said he didn't care about regularity.  it was time to call.  the on-call midwife seemed a little skeptical on the phone, but told me that we could come into the hospital to get checked out.  she got a little friendlier when she saw that i was nearly 4 centimeters dilated.  :-)  and so we were admitted.

between contractions...  sometime around 2:00am

we were taken to a labor and delivery room which is where the birth would eventually take place.  (or at least that was the plan!)  i made it clear that i wanted an epidural, but desired to "tough it out" a little first.  at 3:30am, i admitted that i was too exhausted to go on, and by 4:00am, i was resting comfortably with my glorious epidural.  steve and i were able to get some much needed sleep at that point.  when we awoke around 7:00 or 8:00am, i was hoping to hear a report of some amazing dilation progression.  however, it turns out that i was only at 5 centimeters and my contractions had basically stopped.

pretty tired after a long night... but excited!

introduce pitocin.  and several odd positioning techniques that were supposed to encourage dilation.  (it was amusing to be placed in these positions while my body was dead weight from the waist down!)  somewhere around this time, my blood pressure dropped seriously low and they couldn't find isla's heartbeat.  so the midwife quickly broke my water and applied a fetal monitoring device.  thankfully, isla was fine and after some medication, my blood pressure was back to normal.  whew!

several more hours passed.  steve and i attempted to rest.  my parents came to visit.  i ate lots of jello.  and the nurses kept increasing my pitocin.  but there was no change in my dilation.  as we neared the maximum dosage of pitocin that was safe for me and isla, the midwife got real with me.  she was going to give me two more hours -- if i didn't dilate significantly, she was going to recommend a c-section.  this news didn't really phase me because i thought certainly i would dilate with the maximum dosage of pitocin.  however, by 3:30pm, i was still at 5 centimeters and my cervix had started to thicken back up.  i didn't even know that was possible!

so the doctor came in and verified that a c-section was really the best option at this point.  she explained the procedure, i signed the consent forms, and before i knew it, several nurses and two anesthesiologists were buzzing around me, prepping me for surgery.

this.was.really.happening.

at around 4:00pm, steve was holding my hand as i was wheeled to the OR.  i had never had any type of surgery -- not even to have my wisdom teeth removed -- so i was getting pretty nervous.  the OR was bustling!  steve had to wait outside while i was prepped, so i was very thankful for the nurse who sat by my side and told me what was going on and kept me calm.

nervous daddy!

nervous mommy!

i was about to become a mom.  like, for real!

soon enough, steve was brought into the room.  he sat by my head -- safely behind the blue curtain!  the surgery began, and not even 5 minutes later, at 4:31pm, i heard a cry.  a sweet little whimper.  i looked above the curtain, and there she was in the doctor's arms.  slimy and squirmy and beautiful.  (i have a picture of this, but i'm pretty sure no one except steve and me would find it beautiful...!)  :-)

8 pounds, 2 ounces, 21 inches long.  button nose, pouty lips, smooshy chin.  light brown hair, piercing eyes, long fingers and toes.

our little family :-)

everything that happened after the surgery is a bit of a blur.  holding isla for the first time... feeding her... regaining feeling in my legs in the recovery room... listening to the nurses oooh and ahhhh over isla's sweetness... watching steve beam with pride as he snuggled his daughter so closely... being settled into my room... extreme nausea and chills... sleeping through isla's introduction to her grandparents... a long night of constant monitoring and baby feedings...

isla is now 11 days old.  she is sweet and snuggly and amazing.  sometimes i cry just thinking about how much i love her.  :-)  and other times i cry because i'm just so completely exhausted and overwhelmed!  but i remind myself every day that this is normal... and things WILL get better.  we're taking it one day at a time, learning and growing together.

thank you, Lord, for this blessing.  may i never forget the journey of tears and prayers and waiting that brought me to this point.  may i recognize each day and night as a gift and somehow find joy through the exhaustion.  may i remember that motherhood is a great responsibility and a high calling -- and may i trust that you will equip me to fulfill that which you have called me to do.  may i grow ever closer to You as i begin to understand the meaning of the word 'sacrificial love.'  and may i grow closer to my husband as we walk this road together.  bless our sweet daughter, isla grace.  may she be healthy and strong and inquisitive and happy.  may she love You above all things and bring joy to those who cross her path.