sitting, waiting, wishing

well... my birthday, my last day of work, isla's due date, and christmas have all come and gone.  as much as i was hoping to have a baby in my arms by this point, i can't say that i'm too surprised to still be waiting.

at my 40 week appointment last thursday, a somewhat callous and matter-of-fact midwife (who let's just say was NOT my favorite person ever) made it very clear that i wasn't even close.  i believe her exact words were "your cervix is completely closed and way up in the rafters."  (too much info?  sorry...)  later when i told her that i was staying in the area for the holidays, she said, "it doesn't really matter.  you're not going to go into labor and even if you do, you'd still have plenty of time to drive back here."  ummm, thanks.  i kind of wanted to claw her eyes out.  :-)

but the truth is that she was probably right.  and so we wait.  and wait.  and wait.  i know that this is extremely normal.  disappointing, but normal.

if i've learned anything over the past few years, it's that waiting is not such a bad thing.  i know that she will be worth it.  and while i'm waiting, i've been soaking up some extra special time with steve in our last few days or weeks as a family of two.  uncomfortable though i may be, i am enjoying this period of time...  i'm learning to love my husband a little deeper... express my gratefulness and appreciation a little more openly... and snuggle a little bit closer (as much as my jumbo belly will allow!).  :-)  perhaps God knew we needed this.

hope you all had a marvelous christmas!  here's to a truly life-changing new year!  :-)

countdown...

well, here i am at 38.5 weeks.  (remember a few months ago when i was so sad about how long it was taking for my belly to pop out?  now it looks like i'm trying to smuggle a basketball under my shirt...)  :-)

anyway, Little Miss Isla is due in just 11 DAYS.  i believe steve and i are about as ready as we're ever going to be!  here are a few stats...

• 5 DAYS until my 31st birthday (kind of forgot about my birthday this year... i'm just curious to find out if isla is going to have to share her birthday with her mama!)
• 4 MEALS in the freezer for after isla's arrival (hoping to make a few more if time permits...)
• 3 BAGS packed for the hospital for me, steve, and isla (pretty sure i over-packed, but i like to be prepared!)
• 2 WEEKS until christmas (so excited to see if this will be isla's first christmas!)
• 1 CAR SEAT safely installed in the back of my honda (i feel like such a grown up!)

in other news, i'd like to follow-up with last week's discussion about the possibility of an ECV.  we met with the doctor on tuesday to talk about the pros and cons of this procedure.  when we found out that there was only a 50% success rate and also the possibility of trauma / distress to the baby, steve and i really didn't feel comfortable going this route.  so we decided that a c-section would be a better option for me.  HOWEVER, it turns out that it was a moot point because on thursday i had another ultrasound, and it showed that isla had flipped herself around again!  she is now head-down, face-down, and ready to go!  so now we wait and hope that she stays in that position for the remainder of the pregnancy.  (apparently, she still has enough room in there to flip again, so they'll just keep a close eye on her.)

hope you all are enjoying the holiday season!  i know it will be life-changing for me and steve this year!  :-)

project nursery and other news

we have a nursery.  and not a moment too soon!  isla could very possibly arrive any day now, so i'm happy that her room is finally ready!

to appreciate the final product, you really need to see the "before" pictures.  previously, her room had been our junk room in every sense of the word.  yuck.

in order to transform the room into a nursery, we had to replace the drafty old windows, change the light fixture, prime everything (the previous paint had been oil based...), apply about 500 coats of paint (ok, maybe just three or four...), cry a lot and change my mind a lot and fight with the people at walmart about failed site-to-store deliveries (pregnancy = way too much drama for me!), and then finally pull it all together!  whew!

so here's the final product.  it doesn't really compare to the amazingly cool nurseries i've been scoping out on pinterest.com and other websites, but i like it and i think isla will feel right at home.  :-)

 i picked the general color palate, but steve settled on the final wall color.  good choice, steve!  :-)

the changing table is a reeeeeaally old dresser from my dad's side of the family.  i repainted it 6-7 years ago, having no idea that i'd one day use it for for this purpose!

in the near future, the hooks will be used for hanging little towels and whatnot... but for now, i just couldn't resist hanging a cute little sweater!

here is the corner opposite of the crib.  the rocking chair is the same one the my mom rocked me and my sister on as babies.  :-)

i painted the back of a bookshelf to match my colors.  easy-schmeasy update!  also, the stuffed animals all have a story behind them.  i love that i can pass them on to my little girl!

ideally, i'd still like to find an ottoman and side table for this corner of the room.  with my awesome photoshopping skills, you can see how this will look one day.  :-)

 in other news....

• prior to thanksgiving, isla had been head-down and ready for delivery.  however, at my appointment last week, the midwife discovered that she had flipped back around and is now breech.  (must have been all of that wonderful thanksgiving food!)  since i'm now at 37 weeks, we will be meeting with a doctor tomorrow to discuss options, which include an ECV (external cephalic version) or possibly a c-section.  or maybe she'll flip back around on her own!  we'll see...
• i know that breech = bad, but ever since she flipped into this position, i've been so much more comfortable!  so the relief is kind of nice.
• i now have exactly two pairs of pants that fit.  (and really, only one pair that fits well.)  dressing for the next few weeks could get interesting....
• i am unbelievably excited to meet my baby girl!!!  i continue to praise God for this miracle.

have a great week, friends!

one month! (give or take a few days....)

today is the 23rd.  that means my due date is in one month.  ONE MONTH.  how do i feel about that?

terrified, apprehensive, excited :-)

one month seems like a rather short amount of time... when i consider all of the remaining projects that i'd like to finish before isla arrives.  although, i've recently come to the point where i can honestly say it won't be the end of the world if XYZ doesn't happen before baby girl comes home.  (do i HAVE to get the tax documents properly filed before i become a mother?  probably not.)  :-)  

but on the other hand, one month seems like an excruciatingly long amount of time... when i think about how much longer i have to bear this uncomfortable and even painful physical condition.  i had a gloriously easy first 7.5 months of pregnancy.  no morning sickness, just a touch of nausea, minor back pain, but really, nothing horrible.  however, in the past two weeks, my body has taken on some of the ugly and unpleasant pregnancy side effects.  and it hurts.  to sit, to stand, to walk, to relax.  it just hurts.  always.  BUT every uncomfortable moment is a reminder of the blessing that is to come.  i cannot even express how thankful i am to be in this position, as unpleasant as it may be at times!  i am so excited to meet our baby girl, our answer to prayer, our gift from God.

happy thanksgiving to you and your families!

shower of blessings

this past saturday, my sister threw a lovely baby shower for me.  at my request, it was not a surprise, but i was entirely blessed and surprised by all of the fun little details.  and, ooohhh, the food!!  i think that was probably the best part.  :-)  but let's start at the beginning...

here i am, prior to the shower.  at 34 weeks, i'm looking rather pregnant, don't you think?  :-)

when i arrived at the shower (which was held in an old renovated mill that is owned by my church), i was delighted to see that it had been decorated with the colors i'm using for the nursery -- black, white, aqua, and yellow.  so cute!

after some socializing, we opened presents.  i wasn't surprised to receive a multitude of super cute baby girl outfits and accessories!  i mean, who can resist.... :-)

i was especially impressed with my grandma's gift wrapping of the diaper bag!  hilarious.  :-)

after gifts, we ate a truly fabulous meal.  three different types of homemade soup, various freshly-baked breads, asian noodle salad, apple salad, bacon-wrapped water chestnuts, and hot cider. 

and the desserts!  check out that spread.  cupcakes, lemon bars, lime bars, and cake pops decorated as baby chicks.  (the cake pops were truly a labor of love -- thank you, keri!!  i could have eaten a dozen of them...)

it was a fun evening, filled with some of my most favorite people in the world.  my sister certainly went out of her way to make the day special for me.  thank you, keri!  i love you!!

up next on the baby to-do list:

• assemble the crib and finish the nursery (we're getting close...!)
• wash and organize baby clothes
• this weekend, attend a whirlwind childbirth class (5 hours on saturday and sunday... let's hope i don't run away screaming.  the whole labor and delivery thing is completely terrifying to me!) 

blessings

baby isla is due in two months.  TWO MONTHS.  i'm pretty sure that's not possible.  i don't feel the slightest bit prepared, but ready or not, the girl is on her way!

the "to do" list still feels a mile long, but we've crossed off some pretty major things.  each one of these items came with its fair share of drama, but in the end, i can see how God has worked through the difficulties and, despite my shortcomings and shortsightedness, has poured out His blessings.

• due to the amazing generosity of the most fantastic family EVER, i am able to extend my maternity leave from 6 weeks to 12 weeks!
• we have found and secured isla's place in a quality, affordable daycare!
• steve found a (very) part-time job at a local christian radio station to help off-set the cost of childcare!
• feeling pretty blue about having to be a working mom, i set up a little "working moms' support group."  i'm looking forward to meeting with these ladies in a few weeks to see how they've handled the transition!

listing all of those things makes me feel so warm and thankful and blessed!

i also feel extraordinarily blessed to be carrying a healthy baby girl inside of me.  we had a bit of a scare last week that landed me in the triage unit of the women and babies hospital for four hours.  long story short, while preparing for a luncheon at work, i tripped over a pumpkin and landed pretty hard on my belly.  (it's ok.  you can laugh.  i'm laughing about it now too!)  :-)  after talking to the doctor through hysterical sobbing, she strongly urged me to go to the hospital for observation.

ahhhhh, yes.  there i am, feeling pretty snazzy in my hospital gown.  :-)  don't look too closely -- there are tears and eye makeup smeared all over my face!  they monitored me and isla for several hours, did some blood work (to make sure there was no internal bleeding), and performed another ultrasound.  from the ultrasound, we learned that:

1. isla is definitely a girl.
2. she is healthy and doing great.  (although, she is still breech.  so isla, annnnny time you want to do a little flip-er-oo, please go for it.  thanks in advance.)  ;-)
3. she has the cutest little ears.
4. she has a head full of hair!  

it was a scary day, BUT, i have to admit, the whole experience made me feel much more connected to my daughter.  i suddenly felt like a mother.  a very "mama bear" protective mother.  :-)  i would have done anything to make sure she was ok.

just needed to share these blessings out loud and to remind myself that it's all going to work out... one way or another.  thanks for stopping by!  :-)

what's in a name?

well.  i've arrived at 27 weeks.  depending on which book / website you read, this is the beginning of the third trimester.  (some say it starts at week 27... others say it starts at week 28... i say, "holy crap, i'm having a baby in 13 weeks!"  ummm, that's less than 100 days.  seriously.)  :-)

anyway, things have been a bit roller-coastery as of late.  as excited as i am to welcome Baby Girl into our lives, i am equally as overwhelmed / terrified / concerned / bewildered / wondering what-the-heck-were-we-thinking??  without fail, every time i find myself in a moment of peace and happiness, ((boom)) the bottom drops out.

((boom)) we totaled the car.
((boom)) the basement floods.
((boom)) maternity leave is not going to be as long as i thought.
((boom)) i'm not getting the raise that i'd been praying for.
((boom)) steve will be deployed to afghanistan for 4 months next year.
((boom)) the nearly-free childcare we'd been counting on is not available after all.
((boom)) somehow we need to come up with several hundred extra dollars per month for childcare.

it's gotten to the point where i'm almost afraid to be happy, for fear of what big scary event may be lying in wait just around the corner.  this is probably not a healthy way to live -- in a constant state of fear -- but i seem to be batting a thousand lately.  and it's just.so.frustrating.  it's robbing me of the joy of this new life inside of me.  it's making me bitter towards people who can afford to live on one salary and be stay-at-home-moms.  it's pushing me to question so many things about God and the complexities of his plan.  it's exhausting me to realize that maybe this is just how life is and will continue to be.  it's making me wonder what i did wrong to get to this point?

man, what a downer, right?  but hey, i'm pregnant.  mood swings kind of come with the territory.  (speaking of which, do you watch The Office?  in last night's season premiere, i was completely cracking up at weepy, pregnant Pam.  that is so me.)  :-)

anyway, i have no brilliant Bible verses or cutesie anecdotes or inspirational pep talks today.  but i do have God's grace, and i'm holding on as tightly as i can.  which brings me to my final thought for the day -- Baby Lougee's name.  steve and i have pretty much agreed on this name from the get-go.  so unless she really, really doesn't look like this when she's born, her name will be.....

Isla Grace

(for the record, Isla is pronounced "eye-luh.")  :-)

i'm really into name meanings, so here we go...  Isla most frequently means "island," but it also means "flowing like a river."  and Grace means, well, grace.  :-)  unmerited favor or goodwill.  so, in these dark days of uncertainty, i pray to God and thank him over and over again for the "flowing grace" in our lives.  what a blessing.

hondas, hallways, and hardware

as we near the end of summer (and the end of my second trimester -- WHAT??  how is that possible?), i thought i'd share an update of things we've been up to.

in mid-august, my dear husband totaled my little red Civic -- my first major purchase as a college graduate.  steve had been driving on wet roads and slid right into a telephone pole.  :-(  praise, praise, praise the Lord that he didn't have any major injuries!  it was a rough couple of weeks, trying to figure out what we were going to do and how we could possibly afford a new/used vehicle at this point in our lives when money was already pretty tight.  my car had been paid off for several years, and i was REALLY enjoying not having a car payment!  but alas, God had other plans for us.  better plans, in fact.  because the Civic was totaled, the door was opened for us to purchase a car that was a better fit for our growing family.  so i've graduated from a 2-door Civic to a 4-door Accord.  (staying within the Honda family, of course!)  and i've gotta say, i couldn't be happier.  God provided us with a reliable car, affordable payments, a huge trunk, and a spacious backseat... perfect for a baby's car seat and other baby-related paraphernalia.  what a blessing!

good-bye, sheila!  hello, lovely car yet-to-be-named!

we've been keeping busy with our Pre-Baby To-Do List also!  one of the items that i've been meaning to tackle is painting our main hallway.  the doors really needed to be sanded and repainted (the previous owner did a very sloppy job!) and i wanted a bit of color on the walls.  this project turned out to be much more of a hassle than i had anticipated (cue major hormonal pregnancy meltdown!), but i'm happy with the results.  it looks so much fresher!

the before picture really doesn't do any justice to how horrible it looked.  the paint on those doors was thrown on SO haphazardly!  it was drippy, streaky, and downright ugly.  the newly-painted, crisp white doors and blue-gray walls make me so happy!  :-)  (FYI: still need to replace the light fixture... just haven't found the right one yet!)

i also replaced all of the door hardware -- hinges and doorknobs!  we happily disposed of the rusty, brassy, hideous hardware that came with the house and replaced them with these sparkling beauties!  (it is, perhaps, a little unhealthy how ecstatic i am about this part of the project.  it really was the icing on the cake!)

so what's next on our list?  well, the windows will be installed sometime in late september / early october.  (but that won't be a major issue for us since the window company is installing them.)  as steve continues to toil away on the second floor drywalling, i have decided it's high time to dive into the nursery!  oh, and we really need to register soon too.  so yeah, those are the immediate projects.  i'm actually feeling pretty good about the status of things at the house.  there have been some other emotional / mental hurdles that i've been dealing with, but i'll save that for another day...  right now, i'm just going to look at my shiny doorknobs and SMILE.  :-)

Pop!

i have been told that i've "popped" this week.  and i agree.  what do you think?

23 weeks and feeling great!

i love that little bump!  and i love feeling baby girl moving around in there.  she has definitely established very clear patterns within the past few weeks.  i feel her moving every day around 11am, 4pm, and 10pm.  she's imitating her mommy already -- establishing an organized schedule.  :-)

steve and i have been keeping busy during this past month, knocking things off our to-do list and feeling pretty good about it -- new windows have been ordered, the hallway and doors have been painted, progress has been made on the second floor renovations...  i plan to post some project pictures soon!

well, i'm off to the eye doctor!  that's another thing i wanted to accomplish before baby girl arrives -- new glasses to replace my current pair that has been super glued together for the past few months.  :-)  have a great day!

halfway!

well.  today officially marks the halfway point.  20 weeks!  i can hardly believe it.  as of this morning, here is how the baby bump is progressing:

still nothing too exciting.  (but i did "instagram" it, so maybe that will make the picture a tad more interesting...)  :-)  mind you, i'm not complaining about my size.  i'm sure i'll pop soon enough!  i'm not a small person to begin with, so maybe the baby has more room to hide.  :-)  however, according to my weekly pregnancy email update, the baby is now the size of a cantaloupe.   i'm just trying to figure out where that cantaloupe is hiding...

so anyway.  halfway.  that's both exciting and scary.  i am thrilled beyond belief to meet baby girl lougee, but SO MUCH has to happen between now and december 23(ish)!  here is my current list.  (i'm posting this mostly for my own benefit.)  :-)

• settle on a name for baby girl.  (i'm pretty sure we have this one nailed down.  but we just want to be sure!)
• register for classes.  (birthing class?  breastfeeding class?  infant care 101?  i need all the help i can get!)
• register for baby supplies.  (at babies r us?  target?  i'm not sure yet...)
• figure out what maternity leave is going to look like and how long it is going to last.
• prep everything for the temp who will fill in for me during maternity leave.
• finalize childcare plans for when i return to work.  (my FANTASTIC sister has volunteered to be our primary babysitter during the week.  however, she currently has one child of her own and two on the way from rwanda (!!), so with baby lougee, it's going to be FULL house.  i'd like to find another babysitter for one or two days a week to give keri a little break.)
• finish house projects, including but not limited to:
• finish repairing our squirrel-ravaged second floor (wiring, drywall, moulding, painting, etc.)
• replace all windows (it's an older house.  the windows are 50-60 years old and very drafty.  we don't want baby girl catching a cold unnecessarily!)
• move the office from its current location (first floor) to its new location (second floor)
• create a nursery (in the old office -- right next to our bedroom on the first floor)
• finish painting the hallway on the first floor, which includes five doors plus the walls  (i guess technically this doesn't HAVE to be completed before the baby arrives, but i'd love to just get it over with.)
• organize EVERYTHING.  :-)

so i think we have our work cut out for us for the next 20 weeks.  but i'm sure it will all come together.  right?  (i mean, it really will, right?  i need a pep talk here.  it WILL come together.)

let me wrap this up before i get too overwhelmed (which seems to happen a lot these days, thanks to my only semi-functioning brain).  :-)  have a great weekend, everyone!!

Gender Reveal Party

if you are friends with me on facebook, you are already aware of this.  but, if you're not, here's the big announcement...

it's a girl!!

and we are tickled pink.  (pun intended, of course.)  :-)  from the beginning, i just knew.  i'm certain that i would have been equally thrilled with a boy, but i have to say, girl just feels right for us... at least at this point in our lives.  who knows what the future will hold!

so, we had our ultrasound on wednesday, and on saturday, we had the Gender Reveal party.  can i just tell you how hard it was to keep my mouth shut for that long?!  but i'm so glad i did.  the party was so much fun!  here's how it all went down...

 

i made two strands of bunting from scrapbook paper.  i hung the "boy or girl" strand from the mantle, right under the framed ultrasound pictures.

photo credit: megan wark of blackstone photography

the "baby lougee" bunting was hung in the window between the kitchen and living room.

i didn't get a great shot of the food table, but here it is...  i prepared foods that i have been craving throughout this pregnancy: fresh fruit salad, deviled eggs, sweet party sandwiches, salt and vinegar chips, and lemon bars.

 

photo credit: megan wark of blackstone photography

and then there were the cupcakes, which would be used for the big reveal.  i used yellow cake with a strawberry cream cheese filling -- and a few extra drops of food coloring just to make sure the filling was nice and pink.  :-)

photo credit: megan wark of blackstone photography

we asked all of our guests to wear pink if they thought it was a girl and blue if they thought it was a boy.  here is Team Pink!  (and purple... my sister claims that she does not own a pink shirt.)  :-)

photo credit: megan wark of blackstone photography

and here is Team Blue!  you can see that blue was the majority.

photo credit: megan wark of blackstone photography

the whole crew

photo credit: megan wark of blackstone photography

after eating and socializing, it was time for the big reveal!

photo credit: megan wark of blackstone photography

pink filling!  it's a girl!!

it was such a fun day!  steve and i feel so fortunate to be surrounded by such a fantastic group of friends and family.  baby girl lougee is sooooo loved already.  we continue to praise the Lord for this amazing gift!

shout out: many thanks to my friend megan wark for capturing these memories for us!!!

projects, preparations, and pending news

so i've been a bad blogger lately.  but really, there just isn't much to talk about.  so far, my second trimester has been gloriously uneventful.  i feel healthy and alert and (on most days) pretty darn happy.  oh, i still suffer from the occasional FREAK OUT / I-CAN'T-HANDLE-THIS moment, but i'm just going to go ahead and blame that on pregnancy hormones.  :-)

steve and i have been keeping pretty busy preparing our home for the baby.  having moved into our first home just 9 months ago, we are still learning the ropes and working on some fairly major projects.  we've made a serious dent in the jungle that was our yard.  it's coming along nicely!  we're also making very slow progress on the second floor, which basically had to be gutted and re-built, thanks to some significant squirrel damage (that went unnoticed by our home inspector -- don't even get me started on that!).  looking forward to the day that i can post some before-and-after pictures!  (just FYI: the baby's nursery will be on the first floor, right next to our bedroom, so at least the construction chaos is out of sight.  BUT, this project really needs to be completed before the baby arrives or it will just never get done, i'm afraid.)

some pretty exciting news is that our first ultrasound is set for this wednesday, july 20!  i was a little bummed that we didn't get an ultrasound before now, but my OB only does early ultrasounds if there are complications or something.  so, on wednesday, we will finally get to see the little person growing inside of me!  YES, we plan to find out the gender.  (i mean, really.  have you met me?  i need to plan, plan, plan as much as possible!)  :-)  and YES, we intend to tell everyone.  but, for a bit of fun, we've decided to throw a little "gender reveal" party on saturday, during which we will share the results of the ultrasound with some close friends and family.  i certainly hope that baby lougee cooperates with us on wednesday.  this is probably the only time in my life i will say this, baby -- please don't be modest!  :-)

so, i'm about 4 months along now... almost 18 weeks.  how about another bump update?

yeah.  still not much to write home about.  there is an ever-so-slight protrusion in my lower abdomen, but it's hardly noticeable.  and yet, very few of my clothes fit (which is maybe why i look so ticked off in the picture... sorry about that!)  it's interesting how i can feel so big and so small at the same time.

well, i suppose that's all for today!  feel free to leave your guesses -- boy or girl??  for the record, i think it's a girl.  steve is on the fence but is leaning towards boy.  (which is not to say that he is hoping a boy... in fact, he starts to glow a little bit every time he talks about having a little girl... so cute.)  :-)  either way, we are going to be over the moon with excitement!

goodbye, hello!

goodbye, first trimester!  hello, second trimester!

today, i officially start my second trimester.  i'm really looking forward to it, as i've heard it's the most favorable of the trimesters.  i'm definitely looking forward to having some energy again.  bring on the nesting!! :-)  i have a long list of projects to tackle before baby lougee arrives, so i'm hoping the promises of the second trimester "super energy" and "awesomeness" and "bliss" are true.  i'm really, really ready to retire cranky, sleepy, nauseous, headachy beth.  (i'm sure steve won't mind a break from her either...)  ;-)

without further ado, i'd like to recap my first trimester.  here are some of my First Trimester Favorites:

foods that contain VINEGAR.  cannot get enough!  i've had my fair share of sweet cravings too, but mostly, i'm into salty, vinegary snacks.  salt and vinegar chips, french fries with vinegar, pickles, pickled eggs and red beats, pulled pork with vinegar.  mmmmm!  i'm salivating.

JACK BAUER.  i've been spending a lot of time with him lately.  or, i should say, jack and my treadmill.  i've been working my way through 24 on netflix while i walk on the treadmill in the evenings.  i'm currently on season 6.  definitely gets my heart racing! (the treadmill, of course.  not jack.  ok, well, maybe jack a little....)  ;-)

in the mornings, i do a pregnancy workout DVD.  i've been using LINDSAY BRIN'S FIRST TRIMESTER workout, which includes both a yoga segment and a strength/cardio segment.  it's a pretty good workout, although lindsay is a bit too peppy / cheerleadery for me.  "ok, now let's work those bun cakes!"  really?  bun cakes?  i have a hard time with that kind of perkiness at 5:30 AM.

i love this pregnancy journal called THE BELLY BOOK.  it has a place to record the highlights of each week, details from the doctor appointments, growing belly pictures, memories, current events, etc.  a friend of mine highly recommended that i keep a pregnancy journal, and i'm so glad i took her advice!

STEPHEN LOUGEE.  he is also a favorite.  probably THE favorite.  :-)  he's been such a gem throughout this first trimester of fatigue, mood swings, inability to concentrate, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  he's been my partner in every imaginable way.  i love him, and i so appreciate all his hard work in preparing our home for the baby!

let's wrap up this post with... drumroll please... my first official belly picture!

or should i call it my non-belly picture?  because really, there's just not much to see yet.  my body is definitely changing, though!  hello, expanding hips.  (while i am not super excited about you now, i am quite certain that i will have a greater appreciation for you in december when i'm huffing and puffing my way through labor and delivery.)  :-)

so there you have it!  i'm so excited to see what my second trimester has in store!

a look back

i started my first blog in april of 2004.  i probably never would have done this, had it not been for the urging of a tech-savvy friend, who explained to me that blogging was "the next big thing."  (though, at the time, i was trying to figure out A. why would i want to post my personal thoughts online for the whole world to see, and B. who would really care?)  but somehow he convinced me to move forward with the idea and encouraged me to post at least once a week.

so i did.  and i'm glad.  this blog chronicles some rather significant events in my life -- my first job out of college (cashier at a hardware store, of course.  isn't that what all english major do?), my first (and second and third) apartment, my love/hate relationship with becoming an adult, many evolving friendships, my first real honest-to-God relevant-to-my-english-degree career, and then the experience of getting laid off nearly five years later.  throughout all of this, we have a developing love story -- the on-again, off-again (and then permanently on-again!) relationship of steve and me.  it's a good story, and i'm definitely thankful for steve's persistence.  :-)  he is, after all, my match.  my partner in life.  my best friend.  my husband.  (and soon to be, my baby daddy.)  ;-)

anyway, why am i talking about my old blog?  well, i occasionally like to scan through old posts.  it's kind of like looking through a scrapbook.  it's often bittersweet to crawl back into those memories, to "feel" it again through the eyes of my younger self, and to know that i will never experience that piece of life again.

a few days ago, i came across one of my more recent posts, from just over a year ago.  to set the stage, i was unemployed, having been a victim of the recession.  steve and i lived in a dingy, dark apartment.  he had just graduated from college and was hoping for the best from a new job opportunity.  i was feeling hopeless and trapped, no prospects on the horizon, unemployment benefits quickly running out.  here are my words from May 25, 2010:

wow, what happened to the month of May?  it's nearly over, and i haven't posted even once.  the weeks have just been flying by, and yet i don't even know what i've been doing.  i had a "moment" yesterday -- one of those movie-like moments in which the song that is playing on the radio is just so appropriate to your mood and situation that it seems as if some all-knowing DJ picked that tune just to mess with your head.  as i was waiting at the drive-through window at the bank, The Weepies' World Spins Madly On played softly on my stereo.  i was so absorbed in the lyrics -- the whole world is moving and i am standing still -- that i barely heard the teller as she piped over the intercom, "excuse me, ma'am.  ma'am?  what can i do for you?"

this is my life these days.  i'm just here.  being very still.  as (what feels like) the entire world swirls around me in excitement.  promotions and pregnancies, new homes and opportunities, celebrations and vacations.  it's all out there, but i just can't tap into any of it.  and don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining about it.  i don't feel deserving of any of these things or entitled to them.  but in this period of waiting, i fear i've become numb.  i've been unemployed for eight months now.  eight months!  and i'm no closer to finding a job now than i was back at day one.  all of our well-thought-out plans have been put on hold -- they are quickly gathering dust as i sit here and wait.  i feel defeated, but instead of that "rattled" feeling that used to haunt me to my very core, i now don't feel much of anything.  i'm not sure if that is good or bad...

i'm still searching.  following leads and sending out resumes.  and praying that God will continue to provide.  but even my prayers have turned stale.  it's a strange sort of existence...

but despite my hollow prayers and crippled emotions, God is.  He is life and love and hope and peace.  He is unchanging and eternal.  He is my provider and keeper.  He is bigger than my circumstances and my melancholy existence.  He has a plan that far exceeds my own.  truthfully, i don't feel the power or the raw emotion behind those words right now, but i believe them.  and i will continue to hold on, even when that means sitting very still and waiting.

this post makes my heart heavy with the memories of that difficult period.  and yet, in hindsight, it's strangely encouraging.  exactly one month after i wrote that post, i was employed.  God knew all along.  He knew what i needed in a job and was preparing the perfect one for me -- and was preparing me for it!

i think the same is true of our baby.  steve and i waited a while to start trying for a family... and then when we did start trying, it took another year and a half to conceive.  it was frustrating and very painful.  eventually, i grew numb and my prayers turned stale.  but through it all, God was there -- even when i didn't feel Him.  i believe that this baby is the exact baby God had planned for us all along.  no other child would be just right for us.  God wanted to bless us with this precise little person.

i'm just so thankful for God's provisions today.  for His attention to detail.  for His grace.  so grateful that all of the little (and big) things that are freaking me out right now are already taken care of.  it's part of the plan.  part of our story.

So How Are You Feeling?

"So... how are you feeling?"  I’ve been getting that question a lot lately.  It’s pretty sweet to feel so cared about.  :-)  I don’t have a really simple answer to that question, though, so let’s try to tackle it in two parts: physically and mentally/emotionally.

Physically

Physically, I’m doing pretty well.  During the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I felt completely normal.  So much so that I was beginning to suspect that maybe I wasn’t really pregnant at all.  But sure enough, right around week 8, several very noticeable symptoms flooded in.  I get some pretty serious nausea every day between 8:30 and 11:30am.  Without fail.  I haven’t thrown up (because honestly, I’m just not prone to throwing up ever), but I feel very unsettled, my throat glands are swollen and producing saliva like crazy, and I’m pretty sure my complexion is an awesome shade of green.  I’ve taken to snacking on Saltines throughout the morning to keep myself in check.  I feel pretty normal in the afternoons, until just before dinnertime when I start to feel sick again.  This has made cooking dinner a challenge, but we’re dealing with it.  The biggest thing I’ve had to avoid is chicken, which totally grosses me out.  ((shudder))  Even thinking about it right now makes me want to gag!  I also have a huge aversion to salad.

What else?  Oh, I’m super tired.  Mostly just in the evenings.  I can hardly watch TV anymore without falling asleep.  And my body is definitely starting to change.  For the past week, simply getting dressed in the morning was a major event, because hardly anything fit.  So I made a trip to Kohl’s over the weekend to supplement my wardrobe with a few items that will hopefully accommodate my expanding waistline.  (Long, flowing maxi dresses are my new best friend!)

So, all things considered, I’d say I’m feeling pretty good.  The nausea is bearable and the fatigue is not so bad, provided my husband does not expect the house to be quite as clean as it used to be.  :-)

Mentally/Emotionally

Well, this is another animal entirely.  :-)  Steve and I had thought about having children for a long time.  But never in our thinking and planning did we ever officially “crunch the numbers.”  Turns out, kids are expensive!  (Ummm, obvious statement of the year award.)  And the more I think about this, the more I start to freak out.

Here are the facts:

1. As much as I think I’d enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom, we just can’t afford it.  So, I will have to return to work after the baby is born.
2. Not only do I have to keep working, but I have to keep working full-time in order to keep my health benefits (which are significantly better and less expensive than Steve’s).
3. This means that we’ll have to arrange childcare of some sort.  Babysitter?  Daycare?  Family member?  I don’t have that worked out yet…  I sort of have a panic attack every time I think about it.  Especially the cost.  Yipes!!

Other things I am freaking out about in my fragile emotional state:

1. I have changed less than five diapers in my entire life.
2. I have never bathed or fed a child.
3. I have no idea what I’m doing.
4. Is organic really better?  Seriously, I just don’t know anything. 
5. When I return to work, what if the baby cries all night?  How on earth will I function at work with no sleep?
6. What if I have a sickly child?  I can’t just leave work.  I am the receptionist.  They are sort of screwed if I have to leave unexpectedly.  I hate that I’m going to become a huge inconvenience.
7. My car is a 2-door Honda Civic.  Can you imagine how awesome it is going to be to finagle a car seat in and out of the backseat?
8. There are just SOOOO many other things (both reasonable and ridiculous) that are filling my head with fear and trepidation these days.

So, lest you think I am a completely horrible and ungrateful person, I really am happy as a clam to be blessed with this pregnancy.  And, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I know that all of these worries will work themselves out.  Steve and I will figure out how to be parents, how to love this child with all of our might, and how to make it all work in our little corner of the world.

And you know what?  That’s actually kind of exciting to me!  We have our own little path to walk – different from anyone else’s.  Sure, from my perspective, it looks soooo much easier and ideal to be a stay-at-home-mom, but that’s not my story.  I’m scared, yes, but also filled with excitement to see how this all plays out.

Whew!  I’ve stepped back from the ledge.  Nothing to see here, people.  Pep-talk complete.  ;-)

With a Little Help from My Friends...

I’ve had an awful lot of encouragement along this path towards pregnancy.  SO many people offered to pray after reading my blog – and I really felt it.  I got cards and messages too from people sharing their stories of infertility with me.  Many people recommended books to me, and one generous friend even sent me a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  Every little nugget of encouragement did amazing things for my soul.  I felt whole and human again, and not so much like a failure.  I felt like there was hope for me, even though I didn’t yet know what would happen.

One person went above and beyond, and I just have to share this with you, because I get teary-eyed every time I think about it.  In early March of this year, my sister sent me the following message over Facebook.

Beth,

I just wanted to try to send you some encouragement.  (I hope it is encouraging!)  I have been completely unable to get you out of my mind.  I know what it feels like to want a baby and to not understand why it isn't happening.  I know how it hurts.  I know all the questions that go through your mind and all the doubts and frustrations.  I know how helpless and hopeless it can feel.

One thing you have said... that maybe God isn't giving you a child because maybe he knows you won't be a good mother... Well, I just wanted to give you some perspective on that.  Beth, I had that VERY same thought too.  Over and over again.  Then I read about all the infertile women in the Bible (Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth... and also Samson's mom).  Every one of these women suffered years and years of barrenness.   And in the end, each woman was the mother of a great leader of God's chosen people.  Their barrenness had nothing to do with their inability to be a good mother.  Quite the opposite.  They were blessed women.  They were extraordinary mothers.  They were cherished by their husbands, their God, and their long awaited children.  Please, don't begin to doubt your worth or think that you are being punished in any way because you have trouble conceiving.  It's a lie from the pit of hell.  You will be a great mother.  You will be an even better mother for having to wait.

I also wanted to let you know something that I have committed to do for you.  I know that when one is struggling to have a baby... Well, prayers just don't happen.  My prayers were either angry shouts or one tearful word, "please."  I didn't know how to ask anymore or what to say.  I don't know if you are at this point, but I suspect you might be.  I am committing to you to be your prayer warrior.  To stand in for you and pray.  To intercede on your behalf.  Especially on Mondays.  I am committing to fast and pray continually for you on Mondays.  I do not tell you this for any other reason than to let you know that there are some serious prayers and petitions going up for you.  I hope you find encouragement in this.  As my physical and spiritual sister, I need to hold you up when you get weary.  A very good friend did this for me when I was struggling so badly.  I will do this for you.  I will do this until you conceive or God gives you clear guidance and peace with another direction (WHATEVER that may be).

I love you, Beth Elaine.  And I believe you will be a mommy.  A great mommy.

Yup, I’m definitely crying again.  (I can blame that on pregnancy hormones, right?!)  Don’t you wish you had a sister like that?  :-)

Now, Keri probably won’t love that I’m sharing this with you, but I just can’t NOT share it, you know?  Do you know how amazing it feels to really know that someone is praying for you?  And not only praying for you, but fasting too?  This was especially helpful for me because, as she said in her note, when you are struggling so badly with something, there are many times when prayers just don’t happen.  You just don’t know what to say anymore.  Every time you try to open your heart to God, you end up either sobbing or screaming or just speechless from exhaustion.

I honestly feel like I have Keri to thank for my pregnancy – to a certain extent, anyway.  :-)

As a result of this amazing prayer support, I am now taking the challenge myself.  Many of you know that my sister and her husband are currently in the waiting stage of international adoption.  (It’s been a loooong, amazing journey, which you can read about on her blog.)  I have another friend, Megan and her husband Pete, who are also waiting for news from their domestic adoption.  I commit my Mondays to praying for both of these families as they wait… as their hearts and arms ache to hold their babies.

So friends, think for a moment about the power of prayer and the ways in which God has worked through prayer in your life.  Who can you lift up in prayer today?  Who in your life is broken and struggling and needs a warrior to intercede on his or her behalf?