sweet relief

as it turns out, you all weren't lying to me.  it really DOES get better.  :-)  if the first month of isla's life can be described as "just get me through this," the second month could be summarized as "sweet relief."  sweet because, i mean, have you seen that cutie in the above picture??  her little personality melts my heart.  and relief because we're starting to figure things out and we're even getting some sleep, which is aaaaaaamazing.  :-)  i'm finally starting to feel the blessing of motherhood rather than being consumed with frustration and worry and exhaustion.  oh, i'm still tired.  and i have a million concerns about life from day to day, but i'm able to take it in stride.  i wish i could reach through my computer and hug all of you who left words of encouragement.  i can't even explain how much that meant to me!

a few stats:

• 2 feet -- isla's length.  she's in the 99th percentile.  looks like she's going to be tall like her daddy!
• 9 hours -- the length of time she sleeps through the night (typically from 10pm to 7am).  SO wonderful!  now we're working on getting her to sleep a little earlier, which would be nice for when i return to work.
• 3 weeks -- until i return to work.  i'm not dreading going back because i enjoy my job and coworkers. but i'm apprehensive of the transition and figuring out all of the logistics.
• 5:00 AM -- the time i've started getting up in the morning in preparation for my return to work.  hoping to make this feel "normal" so that it's not such a shock to my system on march 20.

enjoy your Leap Day, everyone!  :-)

morning by morning

one month old on january 29, 2012

isn't she cute?  :-)

this past month has somehow been the shortest and longest month of my life.  shortest because, i mean, holy cow, i am the mother of a one-month old little person!  it feels like i just took that positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago, and now suddenly, she's here and growing and such an all-encompassing part of our lives.  but this past month has also been long.  so, so long.  and so much harder than i ever imagined it could be.

i'm sure it's different for everyone.  but if i'm being honest, so far, motherhood has not been enjoyable.  at all.  i've always heard about the joy and fulfillment of being a mom, but i just haven't felt it yet.  i think i'm just too tired to feel much of anything at all.  while i expected many sleepless nights and difficult days, i was not prepared for this raw, bleary-eyed weariness, day in and day out.

i was not expecting...

• to have such a magnificently fussy child.
• to feel like a failure every. single. day.
• to have bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks from long, exasperating nights.
• to miss my job and being around people.
• to be jealous of my husband, who gets to sleep and leave the house every day.
• to feel so disconnected from my husband and to miss having time just with him.
• to feel lonely.
• to find it impossible to get out of my pajamas before about 2pm.
• to become this familiar with late-night TV.  (for the record, i prefer Leno to Letterman.)
• to need my own mom so much.
• to want to fast-forward through the next few months.
• to feel so guilty and disappointed in myself for this wide range of emotions.
• to feel like somehow i don't have the "mom gene."

and yet, i was also not expecting... to love my daughter SO much.

no matter how long and difficult the night has been, my favorite moment of each day is my first glimpse of isla in the morning.  when i lift her from the crib and place her on the changing table, the glowing morning sunlight pours in gently from the window onto her face.  and she loves it.  she looks up at me with her deep, navy blue eyes, and in that moment, it's like we have an understanding -- we're learning and growing together.  we love and need each other.  we are mama and daughter.  always.  and even though i know the day will be hard and the night will be harder, that quiet moment in the morning is my encouragement... the tiniest bit of bliss that i need to carry on.

so it hasn't been a smooth month.  it's been brutal and ugly.  and honestly, it doesn't look like things will be turning around any time soon.  BUT this is parenthood.  this is what i had prayed for.  so on we go.  one morning at a time.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning, new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided--

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!