So How Are You Feeling?

"So... how are you feeling?"  I’ve been getting that question a lot lately.  It’s pretty sweet to feel so cared about.  :-)  I don’t have a really simple answer to that question, though, so let’s try to tackle it in two parts: physically and mentally/emotionally.

Physically

Physically, I’m doing pretty well.  During the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I felt completely normal.  So much so that I was beginning to suspect that maybe I wasn’t really pregnant at all.  But sure enough, right around week 8, several very noticeable symptoms flooded in.  I get some pretty serious nausea every day between 8:30 and 11:30am.  Without fail.  I haven’t thrown up (because honestly, I’m just not prone to throwing up ever), but I feel very unsettled, my throat glands are swollen and producing saliva like crazy, and I’m pretty sure my complexion is an awesome shade of green.  I’ve taken to snacking on Saltines throughout the morning to keep myself in check.  I feel pretty normal in the afternoons, until just before dinnertime when I start to feel sick again.  This has made cooking dinner a challenge, but we’re dealing with it.  The biggest thing I’ve had to avoid is chicken, which totally grosses me out.  ((shudder))  Even thinking about it right now makes me want to gag!  I also have a huge aversion to salad.

What else?  Oh, I’m super tired.  Mostly just in the evenings.  I can hardly watch TV anymore without falling asleep.  And my body is definitely starting to change.  For the past week, simply getting dressed in the morning was a major event, because hardly anything fit.  So I made a trip to Kohl’s over the weekend to supplement my wardrobe with a few items that will hopefully accommodate my expanding waistline.  (Long, flowing maxi dresses are my new best friend!)

So, all things considered, I’d say I’m feeling pretty good.  The nausea is bearable and the fatigue is not so bad, provided my husband does not expect the house to be quite as clean as it used to be.  :-)

Mentally/Emotionally

Well, this is another animal entirely.  :-)  Steve and I had thought about having children for a long time.  But never in our thinking and planning did we ever officially “crunch the numbers.”  Turns out, kids are expensive!  (Ummm, obvious statement of the year award.)  And the more I think about this, the more I start to freak out.

Here are the facts:

1. As much as I think I’d enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom, we just can’t afford it.  So, I will have to return to work after the baby is born.
2. Not only do I have to keep working, but I have to keep working full-time in order to keep my health benefits (which are significantly better and less expensive than Steve’s).
3. This means that we’ll have to arrange childcare of some sort.  Babysitter?  Daycare?  Family member?  I don’t have that worked out yet…  I sort of have a panic attack every time I think about it.  Especially the cost.  Yipes!!

Other things I am freaking out about in my fragile emotional state:

1. I have changed less than five diapers in my entire life.
2. I have never bathed or fed a child.
3. I have no idea what I’m doing.
4. Is organic really better?  Seriously, I just don’t know anything. 
5. When I return to work, what if the baby cries all night?  How on earth will I function at work with no sleep?
6. What if I have a sickly child?  I can’t just leave work.  I am the receptionist.  They are sort of screwed if I have to leave unexpectedly.  I hate that I’m going to become a huge inconvenience.
7. My car is a 2-door Honda Civic.  Can you imagine how awesome it is going to be to finagle a car seat in and out of the backseat?
8. There are just SOOOO many other things (both reasonable and ridiculous) that are filling my head with fear and trepidation these days.

So, lest you think I am a completely horrible and ungrateful person, I really am happy as a clam to be blessed with this pregnancy.  And, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I know that all of these worries will work themselves out.  Steve and I will figure out how to be parents, how to love this child with all of our might, and how to make it all work in our little corner of the world.

And you know what?  That’s actually kind of exciting to me!  We have our own little path to walk – different from anyone else’s.  Sure, from my perspective, it looks soooo much easier and ideal to be a stay-at-home-mom, but that’s not my story.  I’m scared, yes, but also filled with excitement to see how this all plays out.

Whew!  I’ve stepped back from the ledge.  Nothing to see here, people.  Pep-talk complete.  ;-)

With a Little Help from My Friends...

I’ve had an awful lot of encouragement along this path towards pregnancy.  SO many people offered to pray after reading my blog – and I really felt it.  I got cards and messages too from people sharing their stories of infertility with me.  Many people recommended books to me, and one generous friend even sent me a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  Every little nugget of encouragement did amazing things for my soul.  I felt whole and human again, and not so much like a failure.  I felt like there was hope for me, even though I didn’t yet know what would happen.

One person went above and beyond, and I just have to share this with you, because I get teary-eyed every time I think about it.  In early March of this year, my sister sent me the following message over Facebook.

Beth,

I just wanted to try to send you some encouragement.  (I hope it is encouraging!)  I have been completely unable to get you out of my mind.  I know what it feels like to want a baby and to not understand why it isn't happening.  I know how it hurts.  I know all the questions that go through your mind and all the doubts and frustrations.  I know how helpless and hopeless it can feel.

One thing you have said... that maybe God isn't giving you a child because maybe he knows you won't be a good mother... Well, I just wanted to give you some perspective on that.  Beth, I had that VERY same thought too.  Over and over again.  Then I read about all the infertile women in the Bible (Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth... and also Samson's mom).  Every one of these women suffered years and years of barrenness.   And in the end, each woman was the mother of a great leader of God's chosen people.  Their barrenness had nothing to do with their inability to be a good mother.  Quite the opposite.  They were blessed women.  They were extraordinary mothers.  They were cherished by their husbands, their God, and their long awaited children.  Please, don't begin to doubt your worth or think that you are being punished in any way because you have trouble conceiving.  It's a lie from the pit of hell.  You will be a great mother.  You will be an even better mother for having to wait.

I also wanted to let you know something that I have committed to do for you.  I know that when one is struggling to have a baby... Well, prayers just don't happen.  My prayers were either angry shouts or one tearful word, "please."  I didn't know how to ask anymore or what to say.  I don't know if you are at this point, but I suspect you might be.  I am committing to you to be your prayer warrior.  To stand in for you and pray.  To intercede on your behalf.  Especially on Mondays.  I am committing to fast and pray continually for you on Mondays.  I do not tell you this for any other reason than to let you know that there are some serious prayers and petitions going up for you.  I hope you find encouragement in this.  As my physical and spiritual sister, I need to hold you up when you get weary.  A very good friend did this for me when I was struggling so badly.  I will do this for you.  I will do this until you conceive or God gives you clear guidance and peace with another direction (WHATEVER that may be).

I love you, Beth Elaine.  And I believe you will be a mommy.  A great mommy.

Yup, I’m definitely crying again.  (I can blame that on pregnancy hormones, right?!)  Don’t you wish you had a sister like that?  :-)

Now, Keri probably won’t love that I’m sharing this with you, but I just can’t NOT share it, you know?  Do you know how amazing it feels to really know that someone is praying for you?  And not only praying for you, but fasting too?  This was especially helpful for me because, as she said in her note, when you are struggling so badly with something, there are many times when prayers just don’t happen.  You just don’t know what to say anymore.  Every time you try to open your heart to God, you end up either sobbing or screaming or just speechless from exhaustion.

I honestly feel like I have Keri to thank for my pregnancy – to a certain extent, anyway.  :-)

As a result of this amazing prayer support, I am now taking the challenge myself.  Many of you know that my sister and her husband are currently in the waiting stage of international adoption.  (It’s been a loooong, amazing journey, which you can read about on her blog.)  I have another friend, Megan and her husband Pete, who are also waiting for news from their domestic adoption.  I commit my Mondays to praying for both of these families as they wait… as their hearts and arms ache to hold their babies.

So friends, think for a moment about the power of prayer and the ways in which God has worked through prayer in your life.  Who can you lift up in prayer today?  Who in your life is broken and struggling and needs a warrior to intercede on his or her behalf?

Sweetly Broken

Things I’ve learned recently:

•         God’s plan is beautiful and amazing.
•         He loves me more than I could ever possibly understand.
•         Prayer matters.
•         Spring is that much sweeter when winter has been long.

I've been mulling this around in my head for a week or so now… trying to come up with the best way to capture the events of these recent weeks.  It could get lengthy.  So I’ll break this post into two sections – the Abridged Version (for those of you who are Cliffs-Notes-reading, right-to-the-point people) and the Unabridged Version (for those of you who savor details).

The Abridged Version:

I am pregnant.  :-)

The Unabridged Version:

Shortly before I started this blog (and after many months of “fighting it”), I came to the realization that Steve and I might need some help in our pregnancy journey.  This is NOT the way it was supposed to be, I had told myself time and time again.  Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the most natural things in life, right?  Boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, and makes lots of babies.  Nowhere in that equation was there room for fertility doctors and drugs and invasive, impersonal procedures.

And yet, having tried naturally and unsuccessfully for 1.5 years, Steve and I finally made peace with this idea.  So I made an appointment with an OBGYN to get the ball rolling with infertility education and possible treatments.  The appointment was set for Good Friday – April 22.

On the Saturday prior to the appointment, I began to get a little nervous.  My period was late (which was not completely unusual), and I was worried that it would start too close to my appointment and thereby require me to reschedule.  I was entirely annoyed, having already waited close to two months for this appointment.  While shopping at WalMart that day, I passed the pregnancy test aisle.  I hate that aisle.  After so many negative pregnancy tests, I vowed not to take another one until my period was, like, three months late.  But something in my head prompted me to pick up a single generic Equate pregnancy test anyway.  I was sure it would be negative, but with my infertility appointment approaching so quickly, I just had to know.  So I put the test in my cart and didn’t give it another thought until about 11:00 that evening.

After watching a Saturday night movie, Steve and I headed off to bed.  Steve was already fast asleep when I remembered the pregnancy test.  Knowing that it would be negative, I took the test and didn’t even look at it while I washed my face and brushed my teeth.  With toothpaste foam oozing from my mouth, I glanced down at the test and saw the faintest possible pink plus sign.  Surely it was a just glare or reflection.  So I held up the test and looked closer.  For about three more minutes.  And it was still there.  But so, so faint!  I rolled my eyes and chastised myself for buying the cheapest brand ever.

So.  Not sure what kind of emotions I should be experiencing, I grabbed the test and the instructions and walked to the bedroom to tell Steve.

“Steve, wake up.”

“No.  I’m sleeeeeeeping.”  (Which, in his slumber, sounded more like, “Nuph. Mm eeepnn.”)

“But I think I’m pregnant.”

And quicker that I’ve ever seen him, he shot up out of bed.  “WHAT?  How?  What’s going on?”

And so we examined the test and compared it to the samples on the instruction sheet.  It seemed positive, but seriously.  It was SO faint and very perplexing.  Steve decided that I had to take another test.  But I’d only bought the one!  So we did what any reasonable adult would do – We threw on our jackets over our pajamas and went to the store to buy another one.

We trekked to our 24-hour grocery store, Giant.  I needed to pick up some fruit anyway.  :-)  It was raining and the 10-minute drive felt like an eternity.  This time, we sprung for a more expensive version of the test with a digital display.  I HAD to be sure, darn it!  On the way home, Steve and I sat so quietly in his pick-up truck.  We just kept glancing at each other and exchanging nervous grins.  Halfway home, the windshield wiper broke, and Steve pulled over to try to fix it.  It was pouring by that time, and all I could think was “How the heck did my life become a country song??”

Sitting in his broken-down pick-up truck,

Pregnancy test in my hand.

Not knowing what’s coming next for us;

Could this somehow be part of the plan?

(Seriously, that could be a big hit.  Don’t you think??)  :-)

Anyway…

We stayed up to watch Saturday Night Live while I waited for the urge to pee, which of course, just didn’t happen.  I eventually just turned out the lights and told Steve we’d have to wait until the morning.

So very early on Palm Sunday morning, April 17, I took a second pregnancy test.  And this time, I got a very clear “Pregnant.” 

Pregnant!

And suddenly I just felt – different.  I still didn’t quite believe it.  Honestly, for as long as we had been trying to get pregnant, this all felt very abrupt.  I had JUST accepted that infertility was going to be part of my life and now BAM!  Pregnant.  I was thrilled and scared and overwhelmed and delighted.  This.Is.Really.Happening.

This past Monday I had my first OB appointment.  I am seven weeks along.  (I know, still very early.  But Steve and I were just too excited to delay sharing the good news!)  Baby Lougee is due right around Christmas – December 23.  Best gift ever.  :-)

So it looks as if this blog of mine is going to change its tune much faster than I had anticipated.  I thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement!  If I may be so bold, I’d like to ask for your continued prayers – for a healthy baby and for wisdom for me and Steve as we prepare for parenthood.  We are feeling overjoyed and blessed (and kind of terrified).

Sweetly Broken.  I've had that song in my head ever since I found out that I was pregnant.  The lyrics may seem a little odd for the occasion of rejoicing about the child growing inside of me, BUT I just feel so humbled and broken by this whole thing.  Sweetly broken by the realization of God’s love for me… His answer to prayer... His perfect timing in all things... His gift of life.

Sweetly Broken

By Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled