losing it

i have struggled with self-image for a very long time.  specifically in regards to my weight.  i went on my first "diet" when i was in fourth grade.  fourth grade!  i wasn't an overweight child, but even at the tender young age of 10, i was painfully aware of the size of my thighs.  behind the closed door of my bedroom, i would pull up my desk chair to our full-length mirror and examine how my legs looked from the front and sides when i was sitting down.  when i was 13, i tried to jerry-rig a "girdle" (a piece of cardboard and some yarn -- ha!) under my easter dress because i thought my tummy was too big.  in college, i even tried to induce vomiting after meals in a desperate attempt to lose weight, but it never worked.  (and thank God for that!)  apparently, i don't have a gag reflex.

so, why am i bringing this up?  well... i'm struggling.  granted, it's only been 15 weeks since isla's birth, and i wasn't expecting to lose the weight that quickly.  but.  i have found, especially since starting back at work, that the post-baby weight loss journey is no joke.  and while i don't want to make excuses, i do find it helpful to identify my hurdles:

1. i am breastfeeding isla.  ergo, i am hungry. all. the. time.  i'm working on self-control with that, but i can't cut back too many calories or my milk supply will decrease.  in my research of this dilemma, i've read that in order to lose weight, it's best for breastfeeding mothers to focus on exercise rather than cutting back calories.  so that leads me to my next problem...
2. i can't seem to find any time to exercise.  this is particularly frustrating for me.  when i get home from work, my evenings generally roll out like this: feed isla, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up, work through isla's bedtime routine, feed her one last time, put her down for the night, finish chores, catch my breath, go to bed.  so unless i get up even earlier in the morning (and i'm already getting up at 5am), i can't see any windows of opportunity for a good, solid workout.

i've tried to come to terms with this, telling myself that it's just for a season -- i can go a few months without exercise, right?  wrong.  (i think.)  while it's true that this part of my life IS only for a season, i just can't bear to stop exercising all together.  i mean, my family's medical history is like a who's who of health problems.  we've had cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, parkinson's, and more.  i have a strong desire to take good care of my body, but i'm just not sure how to accomplish this as a full-time working and breastfeeding mother.

so how do i do this?

seriously, how?  that was not a rhetorical question.  i welcome suggestions!  :-)

even as i struggle with feeling unattractive and "blah," i am increasingly aware that if being a little chubby is my worst problem at the moment, then really, life isn't too bad.  :-)  God has blessed me with a loving and hard-working husband, a healthy and spirited daughter, a supportive and godly family, a cozy home, a job that i enjoy, and so much more.  here's to never losing sight of that...!