Hi. My name is Beth... 30 years old, wife of Steve, and mommy of the naughtiest little kitten, Merlin. I have a job that I love and recently became a homeowner, which has proved to be every bit the crazy adventure we were warned of. In short, we are blessed. We feel incredibly fortunate to be right here, right now.
Steve and I were married on April 28, 2007, nearly 4 years ago. In November of 2009, after a lot of thought and planning, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I remember taking a very momentous trip to the bookstore, purchasing What to Expect Before You're Expecting, carefully reading through each chapter, and plotting my ovulation on the calendar. I was giddy with excitement, as thoughts of pacifiers and bottles and cute little button noses swirled through my head. But now, 16 months later, we're still trying. What started as a hopeful journey has morphed into a frustrating and exhausting struggle.
Infertility is no stranger to my family. It took my mom and dad well over a year to conceive their first child. And my sister and her husband tried for over two years before conceiving their son. So I suppose according to my family history, I'm "normal." But with each month that passes by, I grow increasingly discouraged and cold and jaded. My heart feels like it's in a perpetual state of winter.
For most of this journey, I've kept my feelings quietly guarded inside. For something so intensely personal, it seemed... inappropriate, I guess, to talk about it. Furthermore, if I said it out loud, it would become real. And I wasn't ready to accept that there might really be a problem. I'm still not...
But I'm tired. Really, really tired of trying to hold all of this inside. I need an outlet, so as to avoid breaking down in tears in the bathroom at work or balling myself up on my bed, crying out to God in defeat and despair. So let's give blogging a try, shall we? Whether or not this journey leads to a child, I'd like to document it. I don't want to forget the range of emotions felt or the lessons learned.
So, as with most things in life, I have no idea where I'm going. But, here we go...
