Hi. My name is Beth... 30 years old, wife of Steve, and mommy of the naughtiest little kitten, Merlin. I have a job that I love and recently became a homeowner, which has proved to be every bit the crazy adventure we were warned of. In short, we are blessed. We feel incredibly fortunate to be right here, right now.
Steve and I were married on April 28, 2007, nearly 4 years ago. In November of 2009, after a lot of thought and planning, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I remember taking a very momentous trip to the bookstore, purchasing What to Expect Before You're Expecting, carefully reading through each chapter, and plotting my ovulation on the calendar. I was giddy with excitement, as thoughts of pacifiers and bottles and cute little button noses swirled through my head. But now, 16 months later, we're still trying. What started as a hopeful journey has morphed into a frustrating and exhausting struggle.
Infertility is no stranger to my family. It took my mom and dad well over a year to conceive their first child. And my sister and her husband tried for over two years before conceiving their son. So I suppose according to my family history, I'm "normal." But with each month that passes by, I grow increasingly discouraged and cold and jaded. My heart feels like it's in a perpetual state of winter.
For most of this journey, I've kept my feelings quietly guarded inside. For something so intensely personal, it seemed... inappropriate, I guess, to talk about it. Furthermore, if I said it out loud, it would become real. And I wasn't ready to accept that there might really be a problem. I'm still not...
But I'm tired. Really, really tired of trying to hold all of this inside. I need an outlet, so as to avoid breaking down in tears in the bathroom at work or balling myself up on my bed, crying out to God in defeat and despair. So let's give blogging a try, shall we? Whether or not this journey leads to a child, I'd like to document it. I don't want to forget the range of emotions felt or the lessons learned.
So, as with most things in life, I have no idea where I'm going. But, here we go...
i'm glad you're blogging again! :) i know how hard the infertility journey can be. i truly believe you'll be holding a little one before you even know it! :) God is good
ReplyDeleteSweet friend, I'm looking forward to how you will change and grow throughout this journey. Praying for you and Steve...Infertility is no stranger to my family either, so I can sympathize and pray in specific ways for you.
ReplyDeleteBlogging can be fun and exciting, as well as reflective. I have looked back on SO many of my blogs from the past and remembered special or specific events I might have forgotten, or little ways I have changed. I know it will od the same for you.
Hoping it's a wonderful journey for you!
Welcome back! I have missed you so. Thank you for trusting us to share this journey with you. I hope that it gives you some of the release and reflection you are hoping for. I am praying with confidence for you and Steve's future larger family =)
ReplyDeleteHi BE, so glad to see you back to blogging again! Even if it's fueled by a not-so-glad subject. I've missed "hearing" from you regularly. Thanks for sharing where you are, will be praying and following along with you!
ReplyDeletecannot wait to see what God does through you in this journey. you know that you are in my prayers...especially today. i love the name of the blog. when you have time, read hosea 6:1-3...the new american standard version is my favorite.
ReplyDeletei also forgot to mention that i think you will like being on blogspot! :)
ReplyDeleteYay to a new BE blog...not-so-yay for the difficult season you're in. I know the pain. I really do. And talking about it does and will help. We love BE!
ReplyDeleteBeth Elaine -
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks to hear that you and Steve are struggling to conceive. I too, have faced this incredibly painful journey. There is nothing quite like the loneliness that is felt when you're longing for a child.
You have taken a very, very healthy step in creating this blog. I wish I had the courage during our infertility journey to do the same. I did, however, have an incredible infertility support group that made all the difference in the world for me. While in this journey, support from any source is wonderful. However, the support of people who have been through this before or are facing it currently is uniquely different. There's something that's simply irreplaceable about it.
I think it's a travesty that infertility is so often considered a "taboo" subject. It's a disease, just like any other. You are doing an amazing thing in sharing your struggle and I think it will help bring healing for you. It's only recently that I have felt compelled to share my story as well in hopes to bring support and healing to those who are suffering through this silently, as I once was.
I will also be praying for Steve during this time. Sadly, too often it isn't recognized that the husband is also suffering. As you well know, they also feel significant pain during this struggle. While it's uncommon for women to talk about this subject, it's far less common for men to talk about it or seek emotional support. So, my husband and I will be praying for him during this time as well.
Please know that I'd be glad to talk with you, cry tears of frustration with you and pray for and with you any time. I look forward to the day when you'll be able to look back and see that God used this situation in your life to uniquely bring glory to himself. While He has not yet shared with you what He has in mind, it's incredible to realize that ultimately it IS in His control and that he has a beautiful plan.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Much love,
Celeste
Praying for you Beth! Our road to our daughter was full of heartache and worry, and changed me in many ways. I'm looking forward to following you through your blog on this journey, and supporting you along the way.
ReplyDeleteI love you. Do you mind if I follow you here? I'm praying for you guys and thank you for trusting "us" with your heart. Our Bible study last night was about God the REDEEMER. He doesn't allow pain that has no purpose. He will redeem it. I'm betting this blog is just the tip of the iceberg.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing your heart. will be praying for you and Steve!
ReplyDeleteBeth, I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with infertility. It is such a hard road. I agree with some of the other comments, blogging is a great outlet. Plus so many of us have been or are going down the same road.
ReplyDeleteWe had 3 miscarriages from Jan 2010 to Jan 2011. Now we are on round 2 of clomid. With both of the kids we got pregnant with the first round of clomid. I know we have to healthy beautiful children but it's hard to end child baring years with 3 miscarriages.
Anyway, I'm praying for you. I hope that you find this "outlet" to be therapeutic for you!
Erin
So glad to see you blogging again! But sad to hear of your journey of infertility. So many of my close friends are struggling with this and my heart goes out to you, as well as my prayers!
ReplyDeleteBonjour BE!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that you're hurting.I'm praying with you too, friend. Know that you're not alone on this journey.
beth elaine! i was just thinking about you this morning. and then i saw that you started a new blog! i'm glad you did. i want you to know that i'll pray for you. i'll pray that you will be comforted because it's so tough, and that the comfort will allow you to find joy in today.
ReplyDeleteI often struggle to understand why honest good and pure desires go unanswered...why some get their bundles snd others don't. Why some get healed from cancer and others pass away. I have found the only answer to these questions is that we live in a fallen world and on this side of heaven I don't think we can wrap our minds around it all. But God is with you, and God graciously provides community to love you andcwncourage you and help give physical touch to our ever present God. So glad you opened yourself up to that community. Praying we can surround you with love and support and prayers and comfort!!!! The community if believers has made all the difference in my life. Praying that we can do that for you now!
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you at your new blog. Praying for you in this trial, friend!
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that you guys were facing this struggle. ((((hugs))) Now that I know I will remember to keep you in prayer!
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