Hope

I’ve been floundering a bit in writing this second post on my new blog.  After all of the amazing feedback I got from the first post, I feel like a brand new person!  My love tank is full, my spirits are lifted, my soul is energized.  I mean, what more can I say?  I had no idea that “going public” with my infertility struggle would be so refreshing!  I thank you all for your gracious words and thoughtful prayers.

As I reflect on this journey, I’ve found myself struggling with a few comments from (well-meaning and wonderful) people about the prospect of getting pregnant. 

“Hang in there!  You’ll be pregnant before you know it!”

“I have a feeling it’s going to happen any time now!”

“You’re going to get pregnant soon -- I just know it!”

“You’re going to be such a wonderful mommy when the time comes!”

It doesn’t upset me to hear these words, because I know the intention was to provide encouragement and hope.  In fact, I’ve said these words to myself on more than one occasion.  But let’s just be really honest here -- No one (except God) knows if Steve and I will ever have children.  The truth is that, despite our best efforts, it might not ever happen.  So to tell myself “Oh, it’s going to happen any time now” not only fills me with potentially false hope, but it places my hope in the wrong thing altogether.

Too often, I find myself putting my hope in my future child.  Idolizing this child, so to speak.  I’ve spent countless hours agonizing over this baby, wondering... When will he/she be here?  What will we name him/her?  What will he/she look like?  Why is this taking so long?  What are we doing wrong?  Won’t life just be perfect and complete and “whole” after Little Lougee arrives?

See what I’m doing?  Instead of trusting in God to handle my future, I’m spending all of my energy hoping in a future that I think I deserve and am entitled to.  Now don’t get me wrong -- I’m not saying that it’s wrong of me to hope and pray for a child.  But as a Christian, I need to focus on God’s plan for me right here and right now, instead of waiting for my dreams to come to fruition.  

How many opportunities have I missed out on in this past year and a half because my heart and mind were too preoccupied with what may be instead of what is?

I didn’t even realize I was doing this until recently when I read (at my sister’s recommendation) a book called Sacred Waiting by David Timms.  In his chapter about Abraham (who waited years and years and years for a child), Timms wrote something that was uncomfortably true for me:

Something happens to us when God tarries to answer a prayer or fulfill a promise. Subtly, imperceptibly, we fall deeper in love with the promise than the One who makes the promise. We fantasize about the gift rather than the Giver. We spend so much time imagining what life will be like that we fail to live life as it is. Our future vision blinds us to our present blessings. (Timms 40)

I don’t want to get all “preachy,” so I’m not going to belabor the point.  But I thank God for helping me to be aware of what was going on in my head.  I’m working daily, now, at being very deliberate in where I place my trust and more “present” and in tune with the blessings that are right in front of me.

(HA!  This is starting to sound like a horrendously cheesy Nickleback song....)  ;-)

So let’s wrap this up.  The whole time I’ve been writing this post, I’ve had an old hymn in my head.  (I adore old hymns -- I think they are so rich and hauntingly beautiful.)  Let me close by posting my two favorite verses...

The Solid Rock

Edward Mote, circa 1834

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

Refrain:

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood

Support me in the whelming flood;

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my hope and stay.