Sweetly Broken

Things I’ve learned recently:

•         God’s plan is beautiful and amazing.
•         He loves me more than I could ever possibly understand.
•         Prayer matters.
•         Spring is that much sweeter when winter has been long.

I've been mulling this around in my head for a week or so now… trying to come up with the best way to capture the events of these recent weeks.  It could get lengthy.  So I’ll break this post into two sections – the Abridged Version (for those of you who are Cliffs-Notes-reading, right-to-the-point people) and the Unabridged Version (for those of you who savor details).

The Abridged Version:

I am pregnant.  :-)

The Unabridged Version:

Shortly before I started this blog (and after many months of “fighting it”), I came to the realization that Steve and I might need some help in our pregnancy journey.  This is NOT the way it was supposed to be, I had told myself time and time again.  Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the most natural things in life, right?  Boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, and makes lots of babies.  Nowhere in that equation was there room for fertility doctors and drugs and invasive, impersonal procedures.

And yet, having tried naturally and unsuccessfully for 1.5 years, Steve and I finally made peace with this idea.  So I made an appointment with an OBGYN to get the ball rolling with infertility education and possible treatments.  The appointment was set for Good Friday – April 22.

On the Saturday prior to the appointment, I began to get a little nervous.  My period was late (which was not completely unusual), and I was worried that it would start too close to my appointment and thereby require me to reschedule.  I was entirely annoyed, having already waited close to two months for this appointment.  While shopping at WalMart that day, I passed the pregnancy test aisle.  I hate that aisle.  After so many negative pregnancy tests, I vowed not to take another one until my period was, like, three months late.  But something in my head prompted me to pick up a single generic Equate pregnancy test anyway.  I was sure it would be negative, but with my infertility appointment approaching so quickly, I just had to know.  So I put the test in my cart and didn’t give it another thought until about 11:00 that evening.

After watching a Saturday night movie, Steve and I headed off to bed.  Steve was already fast asleep when I remembered the pregnancy test.  Knowing that it would be negative, I took the test and didn’t even look at it while I washed my face and brushed my teeth.  With toothpaste foam oozing from my mouth, I glanced down at the test and saw the faintest possible pink plus sign.  Surely it was a just glare or reflection.  So I held up the test and looked closer.  For about three more minutes.  And it was still there.  But so, so faint!  I rolled my eyes and chastised myself for buying the cheapest brand ever.

So.  Not sure what kind of emotions I should be experiencing, I grabbed the test and the instructions and walked to the bedroom to tell Steve.

“Steve, wake up.”

“No.  I’m sleeeeeeeping.”  (Which, in his slumber, sounded more like, “Nuph. Mm eeepnn.”)

“But I think I’m pregnant.”

And quicker that I’ve ever seen him, he shot up out of bed.  “WHAT?  How?  What’s going on?”

And so we examined the test and compared it to the samples on the instruction sheet.  It seemed positive, but seriously.  It was SO faint and very perplexing.  Steve decided that I had to take another test.  But I’d only bought the one!  So we did what any reasonable adult would do – We threw on our jackets over our pajamas and went to the store to buy another one.

We trekked to our 24-hour grocery store, Giant.  I needed to pick up some fruit anyway.  :-)  It was raining and the 10-minute drive felt like an eternity.  This time, we sprung for a more expensive version of the test with a digital display.  I HAD to be sure, darn it!  On the way home, Steve and I sat so quietly in his pick-up truck.  We just kept glancing at each other and exchanging nervous grins.  Halfway home, the windshield wiper broke, and Steve pulled over to try to fix it.  It was pouring by that time, and all I could think was “How the heck did my life become a country song??”

Sitting in his broken-down pick-up truck,

Pregnancy test in my hand.

Not knowing what’s coming next for us;

Could this somehow be part of the plan?

(Seriously, that could be a big hit.  Don’t you think??)  :-)

Anyway…

We stayed up to watch Saturday Night Live while I waited for the urge to pee, which of course, just didn’t happen.  I eventually just turned out the lights and told Steve we’d have to wait until the morning.

So very early on Palm Sunday morning, April 17, I took a second pregnancy test.  And this time, I got a very clear “Pregnant.” 

Pregnant!

And suddenly I just felt – different.  I still didn’t quite believe it.  Honestly, for as long as we had been trying to get pregnant, this all felt very abrupt.  I had JUST accepted that infertility was going to be part of my life and now BAM!  Pregnant.  I was thrilled and scared and overwhelmed and delighted.  This.Is.Really.Happening.

This past Monday I had my first OB appointment.  I am seven weeks along.  (I know, still very early.  But Steve and I were just too excited to delay sharing the good news!)  Baby Lougee is due right around Christmas – December 23.  Best gift ever.  :-)

So it looks as if this blog of mine is going to change its tune much faster than I had anticipated.  I thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement!  If I may be so bold, I’d like to ask for your continued prayers – for a healthy baby and for wisdom for me and Steve as we prepare for parenthood.  We are feeling overjoyed and blessed (and kind of terrified).

Sweetly Broken.  I've had that song in my head ever since I found out that I was pregnant.  The lyrics may seem a little odd for the occasion of rejoicing about the child growing inside of me, BUT I just feel so humbled and broken by this whole thing.  Sweetly broken by the realization of God’s love for me… His answer to prayer... His perfect timing in all things... His gift of life.

Sweetly Broken

By Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled